AMERICAN IDOL -- Top 9

This week’s theme was “Songs we can make more money from”. They could be anything as long as they were available on itunes. Next week will be Coca Cola themes from the 60s and 70s. The following week – songs with the word Ford in them.

A few initial thoughts: I don’t know if Paula got a new eye job or pumped collagen in her face instead of Botox but she’s starting to look like Jack Palance. And I’ve just concluded that I hate Kara. Why? She may be a lovely person but the way she whines and pretends to be so pained -- it just reminds me of every network and studio junior executive, two years out of Sarah Lawrence, who has given me insipid writing notes over the years. “Kennnnn, I really lovvvve this script but I just want to see more, y’know, more heart, more humanity, more… I dunno, I just want to like Mussolini more.” So whenever she gives a critique that’s all I hear.

New opening. The judges make an entrance now. I like it. If the MOD SQUAD were still on the air, that would be their opening titles.

Anoop Desai got things going by attempting Usher’s “Caught Up”. He was one bad ass altar boy. I can’t remember verbatim what Kara said but I think it was: “I really lovvve the characters but I just wish the priest had more… I dunno, penis jokes.”

Megan Joy gave Bob Marley’s “Turn Your Lights Down Low” her usual gatling gun interpretation. She wore enough string necklaces to qualify as a Mardi Gras float. I think Kara said: “I know grandpa is dead but can he still come back at the end?”

Danny Gokey did a nice version of Rascal Flat’s “What Hurts the Most”. I’m a fan of his. If the Disney Channel ever does a biopic on Robert Downey Jr. Danny will get the part. Kara: “I am such a fan of this script but you know what it needs? Backstory. Who are all those other people on the subway with Bob? What does each one want?”

Allison Iraheta came dressed as American Girl Doll: Cyndi Lauper. My only criticism with her singing No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak” is that she didn’t sing it directly to Kara. Best moment of the night: Paula complimenting Allison on playing the guitar by saying, “Glad you brought your ax.” Yeah! Look at Jack Palance, talking all street and shit!

Scott MacIntyre wowed the judges with Billy Joel’s vintage oozeburger, “Just the Way You Are”. Again, I’m paraphrasing. Kara: “I love that you made the Scott character blind but then you don’t have him bumping into things so really, what’s the point?”

Matt Giraud tried to show he was contemporary by doing “You Found Me” by Fray. This is like when Bing Crosby sang “Hey Jude”. Kara: “Mxixwehesdd wxkxxighggg meemememmnetnetm”. (After awhile that’s all I hear.)

Lil Rounds made a courageous choice. She dared to sing a Celine Dion song without fireworks and fifteen chorus boys. If Lil were on season two the judges would be genuflecting. But now in season eight, despite her pipes, she’s just another boring belter. This week however she brought her two adorable children so she could have sung the national anthem of Iraq and still sailed through to the next round.

The two best performances were saved for last. Kris Allen did a killer version of “Anal Sunshine When She’s Gone” (at least that’s what it sounded like). And Adam Lambert again proved that he’s in a completely different league than the rest of these nimrods. Best singer, best showman, most original contestant in years. And with the new do he looks like a gay Dean Cain. He chose Wild Cherry’s “Play That Funky Music White Boy” and once again established himself as the only reason to watch the show this season.

Not that Kara won’t have notes. But Adam is the one contestant smart enough to just ignore them. And that’s why he’s going to be the next AMERICAN IDOL.