another weekend of me on the wireless

I'll be on 790 KABC radio (and streaming on the net at KABC.COM and itunes radio/KABC) tonight from 7-10 pacific. Since it's the Valentine's Day weekend I'll be discussing love and romance -- two subjects I know even less about than cars.

Sunday I'm hosting my regular sportstalk show from 5-8 (what better way to celebrate my birthday than discuss Dodger pitching concerns?). And Monday night I'm on again from 7-10. I have no clue what I'll be talking about.

Hey Hawkeye, who are all those people laughing? I don't see anybody.

What better way to kick off the Presidents Day weekend than with a few Friday questions?

Rob starts it off:

Why has reality TV lasted so long? Is the amount of money that can be made from the show really that much more than what could be made off the Simpsons, MASH, or heck, even According to Jim?

Reality shows are CHEAP to produce and people are watching them. But you’re right that they have a very short shelf life. Sitcoms play much better in reruns. There are cable channels replaying reality shows but in general they don’t draw good numbers. Even mega hits like AMERICAN IDOL, who’s going to watch old Bucky Covington performances?

But in this day and age, CHEAP is a big selling point to networks.

I do feel that the novelty of the genre has worn off and there is the danger of over-saturation. Already we can see that scripted shows are starting to make a comeback. Let’s hope that trend continues.

From LeeFranke:

Your thought on this pearl of wisdom from the internet. "Multi-cam and single cam sitcoms are very different formats. Single cams feel weird with laugh tracks, but multi-cams feel weirder without."

Single camera shows do feel weird with laugh tracks. Where are the people coming from? That was always my beef on MASH. Were there bleachers on the chopper pad? You destroy the reality when you add disembodied voices laughing.

Multi-camera shows are shot in front of a studio audience. They’re more like plays. So the laughter is coming from real people. Without that laughter the shows would feel very hollow.

There are some multi-camera shows that block-and-shoot, which means no studio audience. You do miss something without the audience but usually those shows have so many scenes that a studio audience would go batshit having to sit through all them. HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER is an example. So it’s a trade-off. They’re able to tell better stories without the restrictions an audience imposes but they sacrifice the spontaneity and energy a group of people can offer the actors.

SEINFELD did a mixture of block-and-tape and scenes shot in front of an audience.

Most multi-camera shows will pre-shoot tricky or outside scenes and show them back to the audience on filming night. And those scenes usually don’t get a great audience reaction. On BECKER there were a few times when I had to do car scenes and instead of showing the pre-shoot, we just put the actors in chairs and told the crowd it’s a simulation of the scene. Invariably those scenes would play better than pre-shoots to the audience because they were live. Or the chairs were funny.

And finally, Steve B. asks:

Here's my question, Ken: How do you do this? To me, your level of output on this blog is pretty amazing, especially during baseball season when you have so many other responsibilities. How hard is it for you to switch hats, and how much time do you devote to the blog? Do you treat this like a hobby, or more like a full-time commitment?

I view this blog as stretching exercises for writers. It usually takes me between a half hour to an hour to write a daily post. I also try to have a few in the bank in case I’m actually required to do something that day. The hardest part is coming up with ideas for entries. And it depends on what’s going on. There are some weeks when there’s so much happening I post more than once a day; other times I’m going through my files seeing if there’s a scene from our TORTELLIS episode I could re-print.

But it’s fun (mostly) and I love having an outlet, although I’m forever amazed that anybody gives a shit what I think about anything.

Update: There's another major point I want to make about the comedy test. Check back later this evening for that. Thanks.

My reaction to YOUR reactions

Thanks so much to all of you for your feedback on THE HONEYMOONERS scene. Your comments collectively were better than any post I could write on changing tastes of comedy and just how subjective humor is. I also found your explanations fascinating and in many cases very insightful.

Some people were a little dismissive but I guess that’s to be expected. I would hope you at least recognize that at one time this scene was (and for many people still “is”) a classic.

Thanks again. It’s always nice when the teacher learns from the students.

And of course, more comments are welcome.

Update: There's another major point I want to make with this test. Check back Friday evening for that. Thanks.

Comedy test: Do you find this funny?

In the past I've raved about THE HONEYMOONERS. This was a sitcom from the early days of television starring Jackie Gleason and Art Carney. Usually the comments I receive on this show vary from "this show is a classic" to "what's the big deal over this crap?"

So today I thought I'd try one of my little experiments. Here's a short scene from one of the episodes. Norton (Carney) tries to teach Ralph (Gleason) how to play golf.

I've seen it a thousand times, maybe two. It still makes me laugh. But how about you? Is this truly funny or a product of its time? LOL or lame? I'd love reactions from all ages, especially younger reader (Generation X through Super Bowl XXX). So if you wouldn't mind taking a couple of minutes, could you please check this out, and let me know what you think? Many thanks. There are no right answers. As always, I have nothing to give away. I'm a cheap blog. But together we may just unlock the secret of comedy. Or not and I move on to something else tomorrow.

Thanks again. And awayyyyyyyy weee go!

Update: There's another major point I want to make with this test. Check back Friday evening for that. Thanks.

AMERICAN IDOL starring Ellen DeGeneres

It was Hollywood Week – 181 inbred poodles in a box all vying for one Air Kong Squeaker Fetch Stick. This is where we get to see the dreams of157 young people dashed and beauty shots of the Griffith Park Observatory.

But that’s not the big story. Excuse me, the BIG story!!

According to Ryan, this was the moment all of America has been waiting for. The suspense has been killing us! Just how would Ellen DeGeneres do replacing Paula Abdul? It's amazing any work got done at all the last few months.

Well breathe easy, America. She did fine. She’s got a brain. She’s got ears. She says funny things sometimes. Considering the caliber of American Idol judges (other than Simon) that makes her Mozart. And now that there finally is someone on the panel who has something to offer, Kara really disappears into the woodwork; confirming what we all knew – she’s as useless as cufflinks on pants.

The Ryan Seacrest hyperbole was flying. Adding to the pressure, Ryan said the kids were performing on “the most hi-profile stage in the world – the Kodak Theatre.” Uh, what about Carnegie Hall? Or the Kennedy Center? Or London Palladium? Or any other major venue that was built before 2001? Yes, they hold the Academy Awards there but also the Vanilla Ice concert.

By and large there are some terrific singers this go-round, although there were the usual band of idiots, probably selected more for their ability to cry than sing.

Poor Vanessa. She’s the country girl from Tennessee who had never been on an aero-plane. She flamed out. The movie of her life will not be A STAR IS BORN. It will be DELIVERANCE.

One guy sang while his wife was in labor. He made it through. Several girls sang like they were in labor. They did not make it through.

But the ones who were good and didn’t have moronic names like Skibowski were very good.

Andrew Garcia, a likable lug in Lew Wasserman glasses did an acoustic version of “Straight Up” that was far better than the original. So not only was Ellen DeGeneres better than Paula Abdul. Andrew Garcia was too.

Didi Benami, a waitress from Los Angeles, made a Kara-written song sound good, which puts her on a plane with the guy who created fuel out of manure.

Crystal Bowersox did “Natural Woman” better than thirty-five other Idol contestants but not as good as sixteen more.

I really liked Janell Wheeler, a country singer with a nice tone. I forget if she was the one with nine brothers, nine kids, or survived a wood chipper accident.

Another favorite was Lilly Scott although I have this sneaking suspicion it’s really Tracey Ullman in a silver wig.

Tonight is “Group Night”. Let me just review it now. There will be ten meltdowns, two girls who turn into psycho bitches, one who bounces from group to group, two guys who are tired and go to bed early, three groups that forget the words, one group that is horrible but advances anyway, two singers who have laryngitis, and now that Paula’s no longer on the show, six guys who sleep with her. Tell me if I'm right. I'll be watching MODERN FAMILY.

My thoughts on the Super Bowl beating the laast MASH

A lot of people have asked me what I thought of Sunday’s Super Bowl eclipsing the final MASH as the most watched television show of all-time. A little like the 72 Dolphins actually. Even though I had left MASH by then (the last episode my partner and I wrote was GOODBYE RADAR for season 8) it was nice to know that I was associated with such an esteemed record.

Damn!

If only the WHO had guested on our final episode! If only we could have slipped in an anti-abortion ad right after the scene where the Korean woman chokes the child! If only we had done the show live! If only Peyton Manning had played Hawkeye! Or the Korean woman!

Oh well. At least we lost out to the Super Bowl… and not say THE HILLS episode when Heidi Montag returns for the first time after her plastic surgery.

Jesus! Now I have to compete with Julienne Moore too?

Last week I talked about how hard it is to land a pilot if you’re starting from the bottom (and again, best of luck to you hearty souls). Today I want to focus on the other extreme – those actors who view pilots as a come-down. In other words, movie stars, or to be more precise -- former movie stars.

Networks are completely enamored by movie stars. On the food chain of entertainment it goes like this: Movies, Television, Street Performing, Radio. Movies look down at television. Television looks up at movies with awe. Forget that more money is made in television; the movie parties are cooler, the vacation spots more European, and no one blames you for SO YOU WANT TO BE IN A JAPANESE GAME SHOW.

But for movie stars, television is an admission that you’re no longer hot. Poor Candace Bergen, she had to do a series. Meanwhile, Candace Bergen got crazy rich, was seen and loved by millions of people weekly, and got to perform better material than what was out there for her in features. It’s a dirty little secret but in success, television is the best! Never do you have to spend ten grueling months on location making SAHARA.

My partner and I used to have a saying when we were toiling in TV: “They’ll all come to us eventually.” Whoopi, Faye Dunaway, Alec Baldwin, Christian Slater, Charlie Sheen, James Woods, Holly Hunter, Jason Lee, Elizabeth Perkins, Kiefer Sutherland, Don Sutherland, Glenn Close, the Little Mermaid – the list is endless. Then there’s the roll call of former TV stars who left the little box for movies and then returned. David Caruso, everyone from FRIENDS but Jennifer, Mary Tyler Moore, Chevy and every third SNL alum.

I understand the attraction from the networks’ perspective. Movie stars (even those now relegated to Jonas Brothers movies) bring recognition, a ready-made fan base, and many are truly great actors. They achieved their big screen success for a reason.

And you always want the girl who says “no”.

We TV producers would receive confidential lists every year of the (former) movie stars who might be ready to surrender to riches and greater fame than they’ve ever had. Next to their names would be comments. “Still a year away”, “Will consider if show is built around her,” “Must have a series commitment”, “Must have firm offer”, “Needs January off to ski”. My favorite was a C-list actress at best – this woman never starred in a movie in her heyday, who said she “Would meet with A-list writers ONLY.” Two years later she was reading for parts.

But every year a new crop of movie stars succumbs. And we’re delighted to have them (unless they’re monsters but that’s another story). This year we welcome Julianne Moore, Laura Linney, and Matthew Broderick. And we welcome back Thomas Hayden Church. Their names attached to projects automatically give them a big leg up. And that’s fine if you – working actor – happen to get cast in one of their pilots. It’s not so fine if you’re in the pilot competing against Matthew Broderick’s.

But here’s an interesting dynamic that I’ve observed. Let’s say you’re a (former) movie star. The networks will romance you like crazy. They’ll wine and dine you, invite you to fly on the company jet, give you front row tickets to the Super Bowl or World Series or (only if you’ve won an Oscar) Lakers tickets. They’ll treat you like royalty – y’know, the way you used to be treated. They’ll fawn all over you during the making of the pilot. You’ll get muffin baskets just for scratching your ass. You’ll be saying, why didn’t I do this before I spent the last three years making AMERICAN PIE 6, 7, and 8?

But once the pilot is made and in the can, all bets are off. If they like it, great. You’re on the air. More muffins. But if they don’t, suddenly your (former) movie star power disappears. The project and you are quickly discarded. You’re saying, “Hey, wait a minute. You said I would be the face of the network. You said you would build your whole fall campaign around me. There’d be a billboard in Times Square. I could host the Rose Parade. I could sing a duet with Garth Brooks at the launch party. And now you’re saying I have to be out of the hotel by noon and pay for my own flight home?”

Yep.

But fear not because there are four networks, four company jets, and numerous cable outlets. Sooner or later you will get on television. Hopefully sooner because Kate Hudson, Jack Black, the Rock, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sean William Scott, Vin Diesel, Ashley Judd, Greg Kinnear, Hillary Duff, Anna Paquin, Aaron Eckhart, Nicole Kidman, Mike Myers, and the current governor of California can’t be too far behind.

SUPERBOWL XXLVIIXXLVVI

Has there been a more satisfying Super Bowl ever! What a great night for the city of New Orleans! 31-17 the final over the Colts. The celebration in the French Quarter should start winding down in June. Wish I were there to vomit in the streets with the rest of you.

Some random thoughts on the game and the telecast.

I have to say I’m pleased for many reasons. I still hate the Colts for the chicken-shit way they left Baltimore – sneaking out of town under the cover of darkness. You may know them as the Indianapolis Colts. To me they’re the Oz Lions.

Super Bowl Sunday is the second largest food consumption day in the U.S. Tied for first – every Jewish holiday.

We Americans consume 4 million pounds of fat from potato chips alone. The third leading killer of American males: Doritos.

Jim Nantz did a fine job but I still think Dick Enberg should call the Super Bowl. Jim Nantz should join of the cast of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. He was hilarious Monday night.

CBS has taken a lot of heat for allowing an anti-abortion commercial and refusing a pro-Gay spot. Here’s how they could have solved that problem. Do the same anti-abortion ad but instead of featuring Tim Tebow and his mom, just use Richard Simmons and his mom. That way everyone will be happy.

Were there any groups protesting that the game was held in Sun Life Stadium. Where were the Moon Life zealots?

Since CBS allowed the ad, why not go all the way and include it in the billboard. “The 1st quarter is brought to you by Cars.com, E-Trade, and outlaw abortions.”

My favorite commercial was the Snickers ad featuring Betty White and Abe Vigoda playing football and getting clotheslined. My second favorite: I had no second favorite.

Analyst Phil Simms is Al Gore in a coma.

Don’t you hate it when you buy two squares for the first quarter pool and get the numbers 2 and 5?

It’s time to do away with the Roman Numerals already. We’re at the point where only Spartacus can figure them out.

But if the NFL insists on the practice then I say all players’ numbers on the back of their jerseys should be in Roman Numerals too.

Oh please! Peyton Manning was misty over Queen Latifa singing America the Beautiful. Is he hoping to become Sarah Palin’s running mate?

Carrie Underwood sang the National Anthem wearing one of Elvis’ old jumpsuits. She was terrific until that last note and then yeow!!!

I hate it when the weather’s great. Much more fun to see all those CEO’s and other bailout beneficiaries getting drenched in their 50 yard line seats.

The Super Bowl is the one program where people fast forward through the show to get to the commercials.

New Orleans went to their favorite weapon to put the game away – a turnover. They’ve been scoring big points doing that all year.

Quick: name the two teams in last year’s Super Bowl?

NO MORE TALKING BABIES!!!! EVER!!!!!!

In every Super Bowl party there’s always one insufferable idiot who comments after every commercial. That would be me.

How fucked up is NBC when even Jay Leno is doing promos for David Letterman?

The Who looked ancient. I thought I was watching the Abe Vigoda commercial again.

I imagine for anyone under 60 they were the “Why?”

At this rate Little Anthony & the Imperials will be performing at next year’s Super Bowl.

Quarterback Drew Brees deserves a lot of kudos but let’s not forget Garrett Hartley and his three lonnnnng field goals, and the interception/touchdown by Tracy Porter.

I’m tired of the Clydesdales. Used to love ‘em but enough! I don’t need my heart to be tugged. I have Peyton Manning for that.

Since Pete Townsend of the Who is a registered sex offender (he was arrested in 2003 in a pedophilia sting in the UK), child abuse organizers flooded the area around the stadium with warning fliers and postcards. The fliers should have warned everybody about Carrie Underwood’s final note.

Wow! The Saints started the second half with an on-side kick. And pulled it off. The only thing that would have been more surprising is if one of the Bud Lite commercials had been funny.

A lot of anger towards girlfriends in this year’s commercials. Those bitches won’t let us buy mobile TV’s or drive Dodge Chargers!

Excitementwise, you can’t ask for much more than going into the 4th quarter with a one point difference.

The Saints’ 4th quarter challenge resulted in a reversed call and two points. See that baseball? It’s more important to get the call right than stubbornly stick to tradition.

It would have been nice had the anti-abortion spot gone right up against the Go-Daddy commercial, don't you think?

Again, congratulations to the city and citizens of New Orleans (who I’m sure are completely plastered). And what a perfect metaphor for Katrina – the Saints were down 10-0 and came back to win it all. Come on. Even you Colt fans have to admit it’s a wonderful story. Okay, well… maybe not.

Thanks to ESPN and TMZ for the photos.

My Super Bowl tradition: The lost CHEERS

Every year on Super Bowl Sunday I present the "Lost scene of CHEERS". ( Tomorrow I'll review this year's Super Bowl.)

My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote those scene, it was seen by EIGHTY MILLION people, (almost double the audience of the final episode of CHEERS)… then never shown again.. I may have tracked down a copy of the scene and when I do I'll post it. In the meantime, after being buried for over twenty years, here’s the lost script of that scene.

Backstory: People forget but Cheers wasn’t always an enormous hit. The first season’s ratings (1982-83) were terrible…as in “dead last”. In today’s world both the CW and Univision would kick our ass. In an effort to get better exposure NBC asked if we’d do a special scene to be aired sometime during the Superbowl pre game show. Pete Axthelm (pictured), the distinguished sports columnist for Newsweek and gambling tout for the Peacock agreed to appear. David and I banged out the scene. NBC aired it…right before kick-off. Talk about a good time slot.

Enjoy, trivia buffs:

FADE IN:

INT. BAR – EARLY AFTERNOON

CARLA, CLIFF AND NORM ARE AT THE TABLE WATCHING TELEVISION. SAM IS AT THE BAR. DIANE ENTERS.

DIANE
Morning everyone.

EVERYONE AD LIBS HELLO’S.

DIANE
You boys are here early today.

NORM
Superbowl Sunday, Diane. The only reason for living…not found in a mug.

CLIFF
We’re early because we gotta catch all twelve hours of the Superbowl pre-game show.

CARLA
Started off this morning with the Superbowl Mass. Moved right into NFL ’82.

SAM
The next hour they’re going to trace the family tree of every player on both sides.

DIANE
Ah, the big game. An American tradition. These athletes will test themselves for all they’re worth. They’ll spit farther than they’ve ever spat before. They’ll scratch in places no man has ever dared to scratch. That is entertainment.

CLIFF
Yeah. Superbowl Seventeen. Or as the French would say it, (IN JOHN’S UNIQUE FRENCH ACCENT) “Superbowl Seventeen”.

PETE AXTHELM ENTERS AND APPROACHES THE BAR.

PETE
(TO SAM) Excuse me. Do you have a phone here? I’ve got the only bookmaker on the planet that I can’t get in touch with on Superbowl Sunday.

SAM
Yeah, it’s down the hall.

CARLA
Hey, you’re Pete Axthelm.

PETE
That depends on whether you want to thank me or hit me for my selections this year.

SAM
Welcome to Cheers.

EVERYONE EXCEPT DIANE ACKNOWLEDGES HIM.

CLIFF
Hey, how come you’re not out there in Pasadena?

PETE
I should be. It’s the last time I book a flight through Jimmy the Greek’s travel agency.

DIANE
Excuse me my ignorance, but I don’t know this gentleman. Will you introduce us?

SAM
This is Pete Axthelm. Pete’s the NBC house tout. Picks all the big games. He’s even right every now and then.

PETE
Actually I’m always right. It’s the players and referees that screw it up.

DIANE
Oh, I see. You predict football games.

PETE
That’s right.

DIANE
Oh what a worthy profession. I hope they pay you more than scientists and judges.

EVERYONE REACTS TO DIANE: “HEY, THAT ISN’T FAIR”, “LIGHTEN UP”, “COME ON, DIANE”, ETC.

DIANE
Pardon me, but it just seems ridiculous how you people place so much importance on the outcome of one silly little football game.

THEY CHIDE HER AGAIN: “AW, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND”, etc.

NORM
So Pete, forget about her, tell us who you like.

PETE
Well, I’m still feeding it all into my delicate computer – it’s a tough one, but I gotta start with that great Miami defense…

DIANE
Miami?! Are you crazy?! That Thiesman person will pick them apart. You call him a prophet?

EVERYONE STARTS TAKING SIDES. A GIANT ARGUMENT ENSUES ON WHO’S GOING TO WIN.

PETE
What’s going on?

NO REACTION.

PETE
Hey, what’s the name of this place?

EVERYONE
Cheers.

THEY ALL GO BACK TO THEIR ARGUMENT.

PETE
(INTO CAMERA) Lots of abuse. I love it. My kind of place. You only find true peace at racetracks and saloons.

FADE OUT.

Me on KABC

I'll be filling in tomorrow morning from 8-11 co-hosting the car talk show on the "flame thrower", the mighty 790 KABC and KABC.COM. I know nothing about cars so unless your question is "should I get a red one?" my co-host, Lance Kaplan, automotive expert, will be answering it. I'm there to give out the phone number.

No Sunday Sports Final this week. What sports fan in his right mind is going to listen to us when he can watch or listen to the Super Bowl instead?

But I will be filling in for John Phillips from 7-10 PM PST Monday and Friday night, talking entertainment, pop culture, and general interest stuff.

And this year Dodger Talk will be streamed live on the net (KABC.COM and iTunes radio/KABC). And as all real baseball fans know, much more fun than listening to the game is listening to callers bitch about the game.

Amanda Seyfried's Breasts Predict The Snow

I love the HuffingtonPost. I’m a contributing writer. But I am forever amused at their headlines. What follows are word-for-word actual headlines in Friday’s edition (along with a thought or two from me).

Amanda Seyfried's Breasts Predict The Snow When the witch's tit gets reeeally cold...

Anne Hathaway Strips, Talks Angelina Jolie's Kissing Angelina is the only actress with lips big enough for Anne.

Keira Knightley Reacts To Being Called A S*** Actress S*** must mean "starved".

Brittany Murphy's Husband: She Didn't Seem That Sick And poor Brittany thought he was a doctor.

NBC's Black History Month Menu: Fried Chicken & Collard Greens And repeats of DIFFERENT STROKES.

Sarah Silverman's Mom Saw Her Sex Spanking Bruise And mistook it for a tattoo.

Colin Firth: I'm Part Of Hollywood's Gay Problem I didn't know Hollywood had one but okay.

Wing Bowl Winner Eats 238 Wings In Half Hour Brittany Murphy's husband thought he didn't look too sick.

Rush: 'I Love The Women's Movement, Especially When I'm Walking Behind It' Which is as close as you'll come.

Candy Crowley: Would I Have Gotten 'State Of The Union' If I Didn't Lose Weight? Rush Limbaugh said the same thing.

Steve Phillips Out Of Sex Rehab, Going On 'Today' Show He's available again, gals.

Nick Jonas: Bob Dylan Can't Sing And who knows better than a fucking Jonas Brother?

Porn Star Unhappy With 'Tiger Woods Mistress' Golf Balls All her other boyfriends pay her real money.

Mel Gibson Calls Interviewer 'Asshole' Code for "Jew".

And there's no way to top this so I'm not even gonna try.

Joy Behar Asks Andrew Young: What's Rielle Hunter's Vagina Like?

UPDATE: The Writers Age Discrimination settlement

A lot of people have asked me this Friday question. This is an update and actually a reversal on my original position. Why? Read on.

Here’s Tod’s question --

Ken, I'm sure you've received a packet in the mail recently concerning a "Notice of Settlement of TV Writers Age Discrimination Cases". It's a class action suit where, apparently, quite a few major studios and agencies have agreed to pay $70M to writers over 40 for alleged age discrimination, and I'm wondering:

a. What's your take on this? I joined the WGA in 1988 and have never seen anything like it.

b. Are you going to participate?

This update is based on some of your comments (see? I actually do read them) that have caused me to change my position. My initial reaction (as I posted) was that it was great. This discrimination does exist and it was nice to see the writers get an acknowledgment and money. But it was pointed out by some of you that the settlement explicitly states that all writers - ALL WRITERS, whether you join the class action or not - give up their right to sue the same studios/agencies in the future over the same issue.

If that's the case, I'm much less enthused. If that's the case we just rolled over.

I feel like Sam Malone in the episode where he's a sportscaster. He gives a strong opinion and then two minutes later gives a strong opinion in the opposite direction. But again, if this means that we've sold out on that issue I'm not in favor.

To salvage a couple of points from my original post:

The claims are certainly justified. Especially now when networks essentially have approval of all writers who get hired on shows. I know a case of an older writer who helped out gratis on a pilot that was in trouble. He did a yeoman’s job – came up with a lot of story fixes and contributed many great jokes. As a result, the show got picked up. Then the show runner attempted to hire him and the network wouldn't approve him.

Another long time veteran TV writer wrote a book that was optioned by a network. But they didn't trust him to write the adaptation of his own book, which was mostly autobiographical. And this is a writer who had created series for that same network.

I personally do not plan to file a claim. I might be entitled to a few dollars, I dunno. But I was one of the truly lucky older writers who did get work during that period. And I was not dropped by my agency. So I don’t feel it’s right to take any money when other writers are much more deserving.

I'm happy for those who benefited by this but not at the cost of the Guild's future.

Check back. I may change my mind again in ten minutes. But thanks to you commenters.

The AMERICAN IDOL open auditions

Since all the open auditions are pretty much the same I thought I’d lump them all in one post. Call it AMERICAN IDOL IN A BOWL.

The guest judges varied in quality. Neil Patrick Harris was terrific. I’d like to think he didn’t become the permanent new judge because he’s got that day job and not because Simon realized he’s too good.

Shania Twain showed some personality and paid one hopeful the greatest compliment any singer could ever receive – she liked his ass.

By the way, have you noticed that whenever there is a good guest judge Kara just disappears? This is a huge improvement over incredibly annoying. More good guest judges please!

Mary J. Blige looked like she’d rather be in Iraq.

Katy Perry was refreshingly candid. She had no problem ripping people. If only she wasn’t a worse singer than the contestants she crushed. She did have the best moment of the season so far when she called out Kara for liking some sad sack because of their hard luck story, not singing ability. Katy said, “This is not a Lifetime movie, sweetheart!” Too bad we didn't see Kara's withering retort: “I know you are but what am I?”

Didn’t catch Kristin Chenoweth’s turn. I’m guessing she was perky.

Avril Lavigne was God awful. How can she judge talent when she can’t even spell her own last name? It’s L-e-v-i-n-e. She wore a devil hood. C-r-e-t-i-n.

For what inexplicable reason did they bring the vacuous Victoria Beckham back? They didn’t have to pay for a meal per diem? She wore her hair back and in a bun and looked like Olive Oyl after a rough night with Bluto.

But the worst EVER was Joe Jonas. Proving his only talent is being in the Lucky Sperm Club, he merely sat like a slug. For the longest time I thought he was just Kara’s blow-up doll. But then I always figured Kara was just Simon’s blow-up doll.

The auditions were what you expected. Does every 23 year old contestant have an 8 year old child? Is it possible to get put through to Hollywood if you haven’t had at least one near death experience?

If this is a singing competition why did Ms. DioGuardi and Ms. Oyl make one contestant take his shirt off? If they’re going to do that, just put Tallulah Morehead on the panel.

And while we’re on the subject, I don’t think the judges gave the guy wearing a bikini fair consideration.

One recent contestant was asked to tell the judges something interesting about himself. He said, “I like cheese”. When pressed, he also casually revealed that his mother had kidnapped him as a child and they spent his formative years running and hiding. But I want to get back to that cheese thing.

One night a hopeful just wailed painfully. No lyrics, no melody, just screeching. Posh complimented him on his choice of song. No wonder they want her to guest on THE VIEW.

Note to the 10,000 hopefuls in Los Angeles who desperately yearn to get a trip to Hollywood – you’re fucking IN Hollywood!!

Meanwhile, a girl from Florence, Italy flew all the way to Denver for an audition. She couldn’t go to the ones in Boston and New York? Anyway, she is off to Hollywood – probably with a layover in Taiwan.

They better get to Hollywood Week fast. I hear the other Jonas Brothers wanna guest judge.

Guys are not going to want to f**k her

My heart always goes out to actors during pilot season (which this is). Here’s how hard it is to become a cast member of a hit series:

When a writer/producer gets the good/bad news that his pilot has been greenlighted the first thing he does is hire a casting director and together they prepare a list of possible worthy candidates for each part. They then meet with the network casting person. She responds to your list. “No, no, hate him, uch, no, no, no, uch, no.” If one of those “uchs” is you you’re dead.

The network casting person will then present her list. One name sticks out. The writer/producer tells her he won’t cast this guy because he killed his grandmother. The network casting maven says, “Well, he didn’t kill a member of your immediate family. Read him anyway.” Basically writer/producers are expected to pursue the names on her list. If you haven’t already been eliminated you’re now at a huge disadvantage if you’re going up against one of these golden names. (By the way, it is very easy to go from this list one year to "uch" the next. Beware.)

Now comes the reading process. Out of all the pilots there may only be a few roles you’re right for. There are also a few more you’re not right for but you apply anyway. You can play Asian if you have to, no sweat.

Your agent submits your name. The casting director may not think you’re right or not be a fan and you’re dead. Assuming you’re over that hurdle you’re invited in to read. There usually are a hundred or more actors reading for every role. Great odds, huh? In these initial sessions you’re usually reading for a committee – the writer/producers, the pod producers, a couple of studio representatives. All you need is one of them to not like you and you’re toast. And by “not like” that could mean “too tall”, “good but we’ve seen him in things”, “he was my waiter last week at the Daily Grill and was terrible”, and “guys are not going to want to fuck her”.

Now there’s a new wrinkle. Networks insist the auditions be recorded and sent to them for perusal. Let’s say you’re reading for a part you’re not right for. Or you just didn’t do well. Not only are you dead but now the network gets to see your bad audition and you’re now on the “no, uch” list for other projects. So for the seven pilots you’re going up for, that one audition just cost you four of them.

Ready to go back to Michigan and teach 5th grade yet?

You make the cut. You get a call-back. By that time you’re not sure what you did that they liked so much? Can you do it again, whatever it is?

You’re on a roll. You kill at the call-back. You’re now a finalist. Your agent makes a deal contingent on studio and network approval.

You read for the studio. Another committee, mostly made up of non-creative types. All it takes is one to hate you.

They don’t hate you. You move on to the network test. You and four other candidates are led into a screening room one at a time where you audition for the network president (and a committee but when the network prez is there their opinions mean nothing).

Talk about pressure. Let’s say you were up for the role of “Rachel” in this pilot called FRIENDS. How different would your life be depending on whether or not you got that part?

You can hit it out of the park and still not get the part. The network president may be partial to a name on his golden list. He may have no ability to judge talent. He may not want to fuck you.

By some miracle he likes you. But there’s a hang-up. He still wants a bigger name. So you hold your breath while the producers make an eleventh hour plea to Paula Marshall. She passes. They settle for … I mean “cast” you.

You’re in, right? Not so fast.

During the week of production there are network table readings and runthroughs. You could get fired at any one of them. And it’s not necessarily your fault. The material could be awful, the director gave you bad direction, they never really wanted you in the first place.

But you survive the week of production and film the pilot. Now comes research and test screenings. I’ve observed these focus groups. One woman says she hates you. Why? She can’t believe you wore those shoes. (That’s a true story.) The network says if the show goes forward you’re to be replaced.

That’s IF she show goes forward. You could give the performance of a lifetime but if the show doesn’t get picked up you’re dead. And again, there are sooooo many factors that go into that decision that have nothing to do with you... although your life depends on it.

There is a God. The show gets picked up. You’ve tested okay. You’re home free now.

Uh, no.

There may be an actor from a pilot that didn’t get picked up that the network really loves. They want to make a place for him. That could well be your role. Again, you’re dead.

But that doesn’t happen. Not in this case. You get on the air. I’ve seen actors replaced after three or four episodes (although it’s fairly rare) but chances are you’re safe…

IF the show becomes a hit. How many shows get canceled? About 90%.

You can understand why my heart goes out to actors. I just can’t imagine facing that level of constant rejection. So congratulations to all the actors who do make it. Savor each and every moment. Go to the parties. Be in the parades. Do the photo shoots. Fly in the company jet. You’ve won the lottery. Also, print this out and read it in three years when you start wondering if the show is holding you back.

Good luck this pilot season, thesps!

I see I've got a lot of first time visitors reading this. Welcome. Please bookmark and come back. Occasionally by accident I post something mildly worthwhile. Thanks.

LOST is back!!!

My favorite show is back! LOST returns tonight for its final season. We’ll finally get the answers to all of its many delicious mysteries.

Is Terry O’Quinn playing Locke or Jacob or Vin Diesel this year?

How will Sun and Jin patch up their marital problems now that she’s in 2004 and he’s in 1977? Might Jin cheat on her knowing she’d never find out because she hasn’t been born yet?

Is FLASH FORWARD just a blatant rip-off?

Will all the cast members who have died come back for a talent show episode?

Would my inflamed cornea be instantly healed if I were on the island?

Will it turn out “the numbers” are just the miles over the speed limit Michelle Rodriquez was caught driving during her various arrests?

Will Kate stop fooling herself and hook up with Hurley already? The sexual tension is killing us!

When some developer built that housing project, how did they expect anyone to come to the Open House when it’s on an island that may not even exist? Where do they put the signs and flags?

Will the hydrogen bomb blast transport series regulars back from the past into the present? Will they be killed? Or will they all be scattered about on other ABC series the way Elizabeth Mitchell wound up on V?

Will Disney try to get the most out of the franchise and mount a Broadway musical of LOST?

Isn’t it time to introduce twelve new regular cast members?

Will someone finally pull that stick out of Jack’s ass and is the stick itself significant?

Why did the ABC President who greenlit and picked up LOST get fired?

Why doesn’t Richard Alpert age? Is he really Catherine DeNeneuve?

Can the polar bear do tricks?

Is Ben also responsible for the latest Supreme Court ruling on campaign contributions?

Why wasn’t Sayid on Oceanic’s no-fly list?

Why does the statue only have four toes? Was this a budget thing?

If Ethan is dead how come I see him all the time at the gym?

If the Others thought they were the only ones on the island why did they call themselves “the Others”?

Why hasn’t Kate Hudson dated Sawyer yet?

Is Claire really Jack’s sister or his former wife, also named Claire now married to Phil on MODERN FAMILY?

Does Oceanic charge extra for check-in luggage?

What will I do with my life when LOST finally goes off the air?

I can't believe I actually won!

I'm coming out with a book next month entitled "Acceptance Speeches I Never Got To Give", but today I won the Best Sports Talk Show Host award from the Southern California Sports Broadcasters. Thanks to many people, most of whom I acknowledged in my speech (which was supposed to be page 411 of my book). But a special thanks to my partner, Josh Suchon. It's really a two-man show and I share the award with him.

Update: Thanks so much to everyone for your well wishes and lovely comments. They're MUCH appreciated.

Ken