LOST: Juliet explains it all to you

LOST is having another spectacular season. Every episode is a mind blower. In case you’re not up to speed, I was able to secure this letter that castaway Juliet (pictured above) sent to her sister. She recaps the series far better than I.

Dear sis,

Sorry it’s been awhile since my last letter. But you know how crazy things get on the island. Someone suggested I send this “priority” to speed up the process but it still goes out on the same submarine.

The weather has been nice lately. Occasional late day showers but that’s pretty much it. The foliage is gorgeous and the mangos are plentiful. Oh, and it’s 1977 now. Seems the island can go through time. They never tell you these things in the brochure. Yes, it’s an adjustment but Captain & Tennille will be performing on the island on the 8th with special guest stars, the Bay City Rollers.

I’m no longer living in a hastily constructed primitive tent on the beach. I’m now in a suburban housing community. I’ve become a member of the Dharma Initiative. I don’t know what they do exactly but I think it involves science and finding a starring vehicle for Jenna Elfman.

I’ve changed jobs. No more prenatal research and sniper assignments for me. Now I’m an auto mechanic. They must’ve gotten a deal on VW vans here because that’s all you see. But I’ve been impressed. They say Chevy trucks are built tough but these babies can drive through the cloud monster without stalling. I still do deliver babies once in awhile. It’s just that my hands are not as clean. Oh, guess what? Michelle from 24 is here. I just delivered her baby last week. If you see Tony Almeida and he isn’t being tortured by terrorists tell him he’s a daddy.

I have a new boyfriend. His name is either Sawyer or James or LeFleur. I don’t know what to call out in bed. He used to be a bad boy but now he’s settled down and has a really good job as the head of security – protecting us from the pesky hostiles that live out in the jungle and want to kill us all for no apparent reason. It might have something to do with Jenna Elfman being a Scientologist but I dunno.

I can almost see you smirking. Sawyer/James/LaFleur and before that Jack and before that Ben and before that the married guy that Ben killed – I am such a slut. But actually, the last three were in the 21st century so in a sense they don’t count… yet.

To tell you the truth, I’m a little worried about my relationship with Sawyer/James/LaFleur. That bitch Kate is back! Of all the years she could have time traveled to why did it have to be this one? Why she’s back at all I don’t know. Gee, now that I think about it, there’s a lot of shit I don’t know about that’s going on around here. Anyway, if she gets within ten feet of him I’m going to go medieval on her bony ass or at least go back to Jack. He’s also here now. Along with Hurly so there goes half our food supply.

Hey, the good news about being back in 1977 – TAB with cyclamates are back!

More good news – Jin survived that massive freighter explosion. He’s now with us speaking better English that Hurly. And his wife Sun is on the island too but it’s been hard for them to arrange a time to get together since he’s in 1977 and she’s in 2007.

Ben as a child is here as well. I’ve discreetly left diagrams of a vagina in his school notebook. Maybe this time when he grows up he’ll know what the hell a clitoris is.

Okay. Gotta run. The alarms are sounding. The polar bear is loose. Say hi to everyone. And if you can find a valve cover gasket for a 1977 VW van please send it.

Love,

Juliet