Sherlock Holmes -- one bad ass m***f***er

Sherlock Holmes is not an action hero. That’s like the Hunchback of Notre Dame being a romantic lead or Santa Claus being a Zionist leader. The element that separates Sherlock Holmes from other detectives is that he uses his superior intellect and powers of deductions to solve crimes and that compensates for not having physical gifts. See, it’s elementary.

Holmes is not England’s 19th century James Bond. He’s not Batman. He’s not Rambo, McCain, Chan, G.I. Joe. He solves mysteries. He doesn’t kick serious ass.

The new SHERLOCK HOLMES as redefined by Hollywood is just another franchise, another assembly line holiday/summer blockbuster comic book character. His competition isn’t evil geniuses, it’s Avatars. And since it is pulling in decent numbers expect to see Gandhi next summer packing heat and plenty pissed.

But even that wasn’t my biggest problem with SHERLOCK HOLMES. It wasn’t even a GOOD action movie. Yes, the effects were spectacular and all the CGI magic was in evidence but the story was a confusing convoluted mess. Half the time you’re saying, “where is he now?… what is he doing? … what did he just say?… how’d he get the doctor costume? … “who is this guy again?… "why does Holmes have bandages on two fingers in some scenes and not others and how did he get injured?...how much longer till we can go get something to eat?”

This is not surprising when you see there are like fifteen writers. There must’ve been 62 drafts of this. I guarantee for every writer who received screen credit there are three more who didn’t.

The bottom line is this: if the audience isn’t hooked into the story, all the dazzling stunts and action leaves you flat. I sat there watching thrilling chase scenes and mega explosions and wondered to myself, “why am I so bored?” Sometimes you can jam too much into a story. Sometimes you need to go a little slower to make sure the audience is still with you and not texting.

The good news about SHERLOCK HOLMES is that Robert Downey Jr. is his usual fabulous self. The movie is worth “seeing” (and by that I mean Netflixing) just for him. He plays Holmes with the requisite insouciance and intelligence. Thank you Warner Brothers for not casting the Rock.

Jude Law was surprisingly good as Dr. Watson. He seemed to be having the most fun of everyone in the movie. Rachel McAdams had the most challenging role of all – you try to running and jumping around in action sequences wearing a Victorian gown with an overskirt and eight layers of linings. Mark Strong played the dastardly Lord Blackwood. Picture Stanley Tucci as Dracula.

If you’re just looking for a two-hour thrill ride or escape from those visiting out of town relatives then sure, check out SHERLOCK HOLMES. This was the kind of fare I would definitely see when I was in this movie’s target demographic… of course I would get stoned first. But if you revere the legend, you might want to pass. I personally have a certain standard when it comes vehicles featuring Sir. Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous detective: “No shit Sherlock”.

Tomorrow: my pick for movie of the year.