Summer in Cincinnati

Yesterday I posted the Denver portion of my road trip with the Dodger's. Today comes the Cincinnati part.

All you really need to know about Cincinnati, Ohio is that Jerry Springer is their former mayor.

Across the Ohio River is Kentucky. It’s the dividing line between the North and South. In Cincinnati you can’t smoke in restaurants. In Kentucky it’s encouraged, as is smoking in church, day care centers, and ICU’s.

Stayed at the downtown Westin – a large concrete, glass, and chrome convention hotel, which after the magnificent Denver Ritz-Carlton felt like camping.

Across the street was Fountain Square. It’s what you see in the opening titles of WKRP IN CINCINNATI. The centerpiece is the Tyler Davidson Fountain – actually more center now that they moved it a few feet. Yes, it cost $42,000,000 to do that but it’s much easier to frame up in your cellphone camera now!

Cincinnati proudly calls itself “Porkopolis”. The pork industry has always been major there. A few years ago they had a public arts project called “The Big Pig Gig” in which more than 400 brightly painted ceramic pigs were displayed all over town. Some had names like “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”.

This pig theme is everywhere. Near the ballpark is Sawyer’s Point that features statues of winged pigs. And Cincy’s annual marathon is called “The Flying Pig”.

There is now a HUGE void in “Zinzinnati”. Gary Burbank is no longer on WLW. For years this town was blessed with the funniest, most creative disc jockey in America. Dr. Johnny Fever is still on WKRP but boy, he sure hates playing that new hip-hop shit the kids of today are enjoying.

At least the locals (What do they call themselves? Cincinnatians? Queens? Porkers?) are blessed with two stellar sportscasters – Marty Brennaman, the longtime voice of the Reds (and Elvis aficionado), and Dan Hoard who calls University of Cincinnati football and basketball. Both are far better than the teams they cover.

Caught the Quacky Races at Fountain Square. Teams in ridiculous duck costumes battled a rigorous obstacle course to win… I dunno, something (maybe the chance to compete on I SURVIVED A JAPANESE GAME SHOW). This is in anticipation of the big event – “The Rubber Duck Regatta” where they will dump 100,000 rubber ducks into the Ohio River and let them race for a quarter mile of thrills. People buy the ducks with the proceeds going to charity. At least it’s not 100,000 pigs.

And then Saturday I was really privileged to attend the Cornhole Championships at Fountain Square. It turns out cornholing is also a game. Who knew? You play it with a board and bags and it was originated in Cincinnati. Still, how do you tell a girl you’re hoping to impress that you’re a champion cornholer?

Graeter’s Ice Cream is a must! Homemade, by hand, delicious. A member of our traveling party bought 12 pints. I hope he planned to ship them home and not finish them all in his room because he’s sad.

On the other hand, Skyline Chili is highly overrated. It’s not even chili. It’s runny meat on spaghetti with a disgusting dollop of cheese on top. I’m sure Skyline Chili has caused more clogged arteries and prison riots than any other regional delicacy in the world.

The Reds play in the “Great American Ballpark”. Locals call it the “Pretty Good American Ballpark” and ballplayers call it “the Great American Smallpark” -- it is very hitter friendly. It’s new and a little generic but still a vast improvement over Riverfront Stadium, which was the world’s largest concrete ashtray. There is a big riverboat in centerfield and offhand I can’t think of another stadium that has one of those (maybe the Metrodome). And from the two upper decks you get a nice view of Kentucky (although it’s usually obscured in a cloud of smoke), and 100,000 rubber ducks.

My favorite ballpark ad: “1-800-GOT-JUNK: THE OFFICIAL REMOVAL SERVICE OF THE CINCINNATI REDS”.

Several readers of my blog came out to the game on Saturday just to meet me! Aw, who’m I kidding? They were there for “Reusable Grocery Bag Day”. Still, thanks to Matt, Simon, Stephanie, Rosie – everyone who showed up.

If you like ribs go to Montgomery’s. Bob Hope used to have them shipped to him. That’s high praise until you realize the alternative was Army chow in Da Nang.

About nine blocks from the ballpark is an area known as “Over-the-Rhine”. It’s rated the single most dangerous neighborhood in the country! And remember, cornholing is legal. “Over-the-Rhine’s” crime rate is higher per capita than any other U.S. neighborhood. So take that Detroit, New York, and Phoenix! It’s so out of control there people are even smoking in restaurants! Police raided a home just last week and confiscated 400 brightly painted ceramic pigs!

“The Bums” took two out of three from the Reds and we headed home still in first place. And even better – no Dodger is out for the rest of the year after eating a bowl of Skyline Chili.

I guess the most appropriate way to say goodbye from Cincinnati is “Abadee, abadee, abadee, th-th-that’s all folks!”