Time-Warner Cable Tech Help (???)

I get home on Tuesday night at 1 a.m. after a four hour Dodger game and hour post game show. My internet isn’t working. All the lights on the modem are on and blinking just the way they should. So I call Time-Warner Cable’s 24-hour tech helpline.

After going through several menus (press one for this, two for that), I’m put on hold for the next “customer representative”. During this period (a half hour) I’m treated to recorded music interrupted every two moments by promos for Time-Warner Cable's Road Runner service – how it's so fast and so reliable. And they're sorry for the inconvenience.

Finally a woman with a pleasant voice comes on the line. If I had gotten someone else this conversation might have been very different. But in an exchange worthy of Abbott & Costello ("Who's Online First?") here is my interaction with my “customer representative”.

Rep: How may we help you?

Me: I can’t get onto the internet.

Rep: I’m sorry. I can’t help you with that.

Me: Huh? What? Isn’t this tech support?

Rep: Yes.

Me: Then why can’t you help me?

Rep: Our system is down. I can’t pull up your account.

Me: Does that mean the internet is down too?

Rep: I don’t know.

Me: Would you know if there’s a general problem in my area or it’s just me who’s having trouble?

Rep: I don’t know.

Me: Can you check?

Rep: No. Because my system is down.

Me: Are you getting an inordinate amount of calls from people in my area with the same problem?

Rep: I don’t know. The system is down.

Me: Can you ask the person in the next cubicle if she’s getting a lot of calls?

Rep: No. I can’t do that.

Me: Well if your system is down is it safe to assume there’s a problem with the internet?

Rep: Our system is always down at this time of night.

Me: Wait a minute. Then you’re saying no one can get tech help every night at this time?

Rep: No.

Me: Well, what can you do?

Rep: Tell you to call back when the system is up.

Me: Well, that’s not helping.

Rep: I’m sorry.

Me: Okay. Then why don’t you have a tape alerting people that your system is down so they don’t have to wait on the phone a half hour just to learn that?

Rep: Well, we don’t know that the system is down.

Me: You just said you did. You just said the system is down every night.

Rep: But we don’t know if the internet is out.

Me: You’re the cable company. You send out the internet. How could you not know if you’re not sending it out?

Rep: We don’t know because the system is out.

Me: You need to bring up peoples’ billing status in order to know whether you’re providing service?

Rep: I’m sorry for the inconvenience.

Me: But you say this happens every night?

Rep: Yes, sir.

Me: Then you know you’re inconviencing people but do it anyway.

Rep: There’s nothing we can do. That's procedure.

Me: You could play a recorded message telling people the system is down and to call back later. That way they wouldn’t have to wait forever only to be told you can’t help them.

Rep: Since we’re getting a lot of calls there’s probably some problem.

Me: You said you didn’t know if you were getting a lot of calls.

Rep: Well, if you waited a half hour then we probably are.

Me: But you don’t know for sure.

Rep: No.

Me: And there’s no one you can ask?

Rep: No. The system is down.

Me: When will the system be back up?

Rep: In another hour.

Me: So from probably 12:30 – 2:30 every morning there is no tech service.

Rep: No. There’s tech service 24 hours.

Me: But they can’t help anybody if the system is down.

Rep: Sometimes it’s an area-wide problem and if we’re aware of that we can tell the customer.

Me: But how would they know if you need the system to be up?

Rep: Well, if we get a lot of calls that usually indicates there is a problem.

Me: But you won’t know what the problem is.

Rep: No.

Me: And you can’t play a tape to reassure people you’re aware of some problem and are in the process of looking into it?

Rep: Well, we don’t know for sure there is a problem.

Me: Because your system is down.

Rep: Yes.

Me: So what can I do NOW?

Rep: You can go to our website for status updates.

Me: How?! I can't get on the internet!

Rep: I can try to transfer you to a senior tech support representative.

Me: Will I have to wait long?

Rep: Well, if there are a lot of calls and there seems to be, then yes.

Me: Will he be able to tell me anything you don’t know?

Rep: Possibly .

Me: Does it stand to reason that if he knew what was going on he’d relay that information to you?

Rep: Yes.

Me: So if he doesn’t have information for you then isn’t it safe to say he doesn’t know anything either? And he would just tell me the same thing you are telling me but after I wait another half hour?

Rep: Yes. Would you like me to transfer you?

Me: No. Forget it.

Rep: Well, thank you for calling Time-Warner Cable. I hope we have been of some assistance. Please call back whenever you have a problem. We’re dedicated to serving you.

…………………..Dial tone…………………

The internet returned the next morning. But now Road Runner can't find certain websites and I get a "sorry for the inconvenience" page. Obscure websites like ESPN.COM. Aw hell, I'd rather live without sports scores than have to call TW's 22 hour tech support again.

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