nice = death

Hi kids. It’s time for some Friday questions. What’s yours?

Reader John asks:

Ken, what's the hardest type of character for you to write for while making them sympathetic? To me, it seems as through character like Becker, or going way back, Phil Slivers' Ernie Bilko are more difficult to handle, because you've got a character who's jammed full of bad personality traits, but who the audience is still supposed to be rooting to succeed (as opposed to the bad personality trait character in the Frank Burns mode, who's going to get his by the end of every episode).

Actually, the hardest characters to write are the ones who are intrinsically good and have a minimum of flaws. When characters are duplicitous, conniving, lascivious, cowardly, vain, self centered, overly ambitious, lazy, or a Scientologist – now you’ve got comedy gold. Case in point, in MASH it was infinitely easier to write Frank Burns than Father Mulcahy. And if the flawed characters are funny that really takes the curse off of them.

Most actors get that. But some don’t. They’re always lobbying the writers to make them nicer because they constantly want to be seen in a good light. What they can’t seem to comprehend is that “nice”= death in comedy.

From Brian:

What exactly does a show runner do?

He oversees the entire production and essentially provides the voice and creative direction of the show. He hires the writing staff, the crew, the directors. He is in charge of the show’s budget. He approves and breaks the stories, assigns them, rewrites them, and decides when the scripts are ready for distribution. He does all of the casting. Deals with the network and studio. Approves sets, wardrobe, music, the Christmas party, opening titles, webisodes, and in single-camera shows tells the director the style he wants.

During runthroughs he has final say. He can ask for scenes to be re-blocked and override a director’s acting notes. He then has final say on the rewrites. If an actor isn’t cutting it it’s his call to fire him.

During filming of a multi-camera show he determines whether a scene still needs more takes or they can move on. On single-camera shows he is either on the set to make that call or can demand a re-shoot if he’s not happy with the dailies.

He also oversees the editing. The editor and director put together their first cut and then the showrunner is in control. He can change that cut at will, if the show is long he determines what gets cut. He then supervises post production – sound, color correction, music.

If the show has a laugh-track he oversees that process as well.

On the one hand you’re thinking, “Wow! How great! He has tremendous creative control.” On the other, you’re thinking, “Jesus! That sounds exhausting. And he has to turn out a show a week? How the hell does he have time to do all of that?”

Answer: He doesn’t. And that’s the real art of showrunning.

A typical day in show biz

I love this industry. Just a glance at the LA Times CALENDAR section on Wednesday and I learned this:

Woody Allen continues to attract the finest actors of our time for his films. Larry David is starring in his next one. (Since it’s a comedy I hope Woody had the good sense to let Larry improvise… or rewrite the whole thing.)

There will be another HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. So many unanswered questions in the first three. Aren’t the kids like 40 already? Male patterned baldness will be one of the subplots.

Britney Spears comeback “Circus” tour is being considered a rousing success. Thank GOD!! The Times paid her a huge compliment as an artist when they said she “renewed her claim as one of the world’s most adept manipulators of the public interest.” The show appropriately also features jugglers and clowns. If all goes well she hopes to get another record deal and permission to see her kids.

LOST’S Terry O’Quinn is glad to not be dead. That was front page.

Kirk Douglas is glad to not be dead. Also on the front page.

And finally, a university in Liverpool now offers a master of arts degree in the Beatles. Can an academic study of Freddy & the Dreamers be far behind? Serious scholars only need apply (like USC football players). I guess my question is what kind of a job can you get with an advanced degree in the Beatles? Other than maybe picking up Ringo’s laundry I can’t think of one.

I'm on the news

If you live in Los Angeles, I probably will be on the Fox 11 10:00 news as part of their Manny Ramirez-has-signed coverage. They filmed me for an hour hosting Dodger Talk on KABC so I should get a good 8 seconds of screen time.

Unlike Jennifer Aniston, I did not fly my hair guy in from Paris to do my do.

I fully expect to be bumped for a story about a cat who can use the toilet.

AMERICAN IDOL -- the country's most fertile show

To win on AMERICAN IDOL you have to have a good voice, personality, and poor birth control. It seems like every contestant had at least one child.

Flamboyant Nathanial Marshall’s only chance would have been if he stuffed a pillow inside the front of his shirt. If you’re going to do Bette Midler don’t pick a Meat Loaf song. Tonight on the results show he’ll finally have something to really cry about.

Lil Rounds has three kids. So she’s the frontrunner. She’s also an excellent singer but not the second coming like the judges all said. Either they heard something I didn’t or they mistakenly think she has five kids.

Ju’not Joyner (I bet he has a tough time finding souvenir coffee mugs with his name on it) has one kid. I worry though. He also appeared to have handcuffs hanging from his black leather jacket. I hope they’re not used for “time outs”. He too is a nice singer. Or maybe it’s just such a relief to not hear someone belt.

Arianna Afsar could be one of the other contestants' child. She’s 16 going on 13 trying to pose as 30. She attempted Abba’s classic “Winner Takes All”. She didn’t get one note of the melody right and I’m horrified that I know that.

Just because Felicia Barton looks like Marlo Thomas does not make her “that girl”. Felicia originally did not make the top 36 but the producers found out she’s a stay-at-home-mom so they called her back. She won’t need a baby sitter after tonight.

Scott MacIntyre doesn’t have a kid but he’s talented, cute, and blind. That’s easily good enough for the top 5. But if he really wants to win he should call Octomom and she if she’d spare one or two.

Taylor Valfanua could be Octomom and still wouldn’t win. Boring belter. Next!

Kendall Beard is the cute peroxide blond who sings country. So even if she doesn’t have a kid everyone assumes that she does.

The judges compared Von Smith to Clay Aiken and Simon had to remind him it was compliment. Poor Clay. It’s bad enough his record company dumped him this week. Maybe Von Smith and Nathanial Marshall can adopt.

Kristen McNamara was the cute blond. I forgot what she sang while she was singing it. Goldie Hawn took pictures of her to her plastic surgeon and said, “make me look like this”. In two years Ryan Seacrest will do the same thing.












Jorge Nunez has a nice voice but lacks just a bit in the macho department. He cried more than Nathanial.

And finally, there was Alex Wagner-Trugman who set dorks back a hundred years in the cool category. Never dance, Alex. Never! If by some miracle Alex makes it, he’ll be the first rock star ever who can’t get laid.

Who will go on to the next round? I think Lil, Ju’not, and in a big surprise, Carol Brady.

It's coming

My review of tonight's AMERICAN IDOL will appear in a few hours. I'd rather go out to dinner and watch and review it later. Can you blame me?

Hawaii 3-0 part two

Part one here.
Hawaiian sunsets are God’s masterpiece.

Especially on Sundays at Little Beach. Aged hippies take off all their clothes, bang on drums, salute the sun going down, and smoke enough Maui Wowie to withstand looking at each other without any clothes.

Every trip to the islands I check out the local TV news anchors. It’s a revolving door of attractive Hawaiian women who studied journalism in charm school, transplants from Oregon, and Joe Moore. I love Joe. He’s the only newscaster in town with real credibility. And that’s even after starring as Ralph Kramden to Pat Sajak’s Ed Norton in a local stage production of THE HONEYMOONERS. “You know what we do with those terrorists, Alice? I’ll tell ya what we do with those terrorists. Bang! Zoom! Weekend weather is next!”

Rumor has it Hawaii hosted the Pro-Bowl (NFL’s all-star game)! In 2010 the event moves to Miami. In 2013 someone in Honolulu will notice.

But the real excitement was WHEEL OF FORTUNE filming on the islands, with Pat Sajak. “Hell-oooo vowel!”

James A. Michener was inspired to write HAWAII on the islands. My daughter, Annie worked on her spec BIG BANG THEORY.

Do not miss Mama’s Fish House (pictured left). Spectacular cuisine. Frank Sinatra, Aerosmith, and Abe Lincoln have eaten there so you know it’s good. Also try the General Store in Hali’imaile. It’s the best middle-of-nowhere restaurant you’ll ever (hopefully) find. The sashimi napoleon is orgasmic!

Not all Hawaiian music is the same. And a lot of it is gorgeous.

Maui onions cost more on Maui than in Los Angeles.

On the other hand, you get some pretty good deals on wine at Longs Drugs.

Sugar in the raw packets: sugar from Hawaii, packaged in Brooklyn.

A new Wolfgang’s Steakhouse opened on Oahu. And all the big celebrities turned out including Dog the Bounty Hunter.

I kept expecting the time-traveling members of the LOST cast to materialize one day in the Grand Wailea pool. And just before a cabana boy (who is really Sun’s half-brother and used to be Kate in another life) shoots them for not having guest wristbands, poof! They disappear and wind up in 1830 where they help Abe Lincoln build his grass cabin.

There are more Kindles on the beach than books.

What to do when the wind gusts up to 40 m.p.h. – take a whale watching sunset cruise. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a humpback whale… laughing at you.

Spotted on the side of a van: SURF LESSONS – WE SPECIALIZE IN BEGINNERS AND COWARDS

Golf Truism: You can’t pick up a club for the first time in twenty years and expect to hit worth a shit. I was Jerry Lewis in THE BELLBOY with a 5 iron.

I can’t believe how fast the month sped by. Only two days of heavy rain, three of hurricane-like wind, no statewide power outage the entire time, a mere 47 bug bites, and I only got sick once (whale retching). But I am left with cherished memories and from now on every time I see a penny or a five dollar bill I will automatically think of Hawaii.

Aloha,

Hawaii 3-0

Just back from a month in Hawaii. Yes, an entire month. We made these arrangements a year ago under the assumption that the worldwide financial infrastructure wouldn’t collapse. Our bad.

We rented a condo in Wailea, Maui, above a golf course with a breathtaking view of the ocean and Wailea shopping mall. I figured, why stay at one of those fancy luxury hotels when we can just partake of the facilities of all of them? The RICHES go to Hawaii.

When our son Matt learned that our condo complex has no Jacuzzi he said, “What are we, farmers?”

But the unit was lovely. These complexes all have cute names like Ekolu Terrace. We stayed at the E-coli Village.

Do you like great pizza? Then go to Hawaii. Matteo’s on Maui. The reverse is not true. You can’t go to Italy for scrumptious poi.

Nowhere is the air as sweet, healing, and rejuvenating as it is in Hawaii.

You can whale watch from the Four Seasons but you must be a registered guest to see any of them.

Even in paradise there are people with deep-rooted psychological problems. Hence the “Therapy Sports Grille”. A few Mai Tai’s and Pac 10 basketball and Hawaiians are back on the road to mental wellness.

The Barack Obama/Abe Lincoln similarities continue. Both were raised in Hawaii. Both look good in shorts.

Went snorkeling. Found Nemo. Went to Roy’s. Ate Nemo.

This is not a big selling point to me: Alex Air –the only DOORS OFF helicopter tour company on Maui.

Tia Carrere is now singing at a Waikiki hotel. Not surprising. This is my favorite Tia Carrere quote: “I love to sing, so I just figured that I was going to sing or something.”

Scrabble in Hawaii: Humuhumunukunukuapua is a legit word. It’s the state fish and a common nickname.

Did not get to Hana. The only way in is through a treacherous road that zig-zags over 56 one-lane bridges and snakes around more than 617 hairpin turns. If God Himself greeted you at City Hall with a lei I wouldn’t make that drive.

Nor did I see the sunrise at Haleakala. But did get a report from someone who did. A bus picks you up 2:30 in the morning. You drive an hour and a half to the top of this massive shield volcano. By top I mean 10,023 feet. You get out in your shorts, flip flops, and aloha shirt -- it’s pitch black, and 22 degrees (literally). When the sun comes up (two hours later) it will rise to 37. Finally the dawn. It’s breathtaking, awesome, and your teeth are chattering like castanets. You don’t want to even think about the possibility that there’s a YouTube video of this. You get in the bus and go home.

For more fun you can bike down the outside of the volcano… like a rocket on a two-lane winding road that hugs a cliff that’s steeper than those in Road Runner cartoons. Bikers must also negotiate tour buses, vans, and tourists in unfamiliar rental cars. In 2007 there were three biker fatalities. Bike tours (when they’re not suspended) are $100 - $150 dollars. Bring a parachute.

But we did visit quaint Lahaina. Strolled among the charming Crazy-T-Shirt and souvenir soap stores. This bawdy whaling port has not changed in a hundred years. Lahaina also features one of the largest banyan trees in the United States. So a big attraction is shade. For all the hoopla of Lahaina, we found quite a few other smaller, lesser-known little towns that were far more charming and KFC-free. Paia for one (Paia of course is the birthplace of Abe Lincoln).

Another is Makawao. Up country it’s a little cowboy town, specializing in glass blowing – just like Wyatt Earp and Billy the Kid used to do. I kept looking for the jail and saloon but alas they’ve given way to art galleries and a market that makes fresh donuts. But get there early. They go fast. There’s usually a shoot out in the town square for the last cruller.

There’s no longer a sheriff but Makawao does have two hypnotherapists and a certified colon specialist.

Overheard in a Paia gas station: A woman asking for cigarettes with “no preservatives.”

Every restaurant in Hawaii serves ribs. Even the vegan restaurants. I bet that colon specialist does a bang-up business.

Part 2 tomorrow. It was a long trip.