Okay, I'm weird but everybody is weird

I've been tagged. Challenged to list five of my weird habits. The real challenge is to hold it down to five.

1) In a restaurant, theatre, or any public place I can’t be seated anywhere near a child. This made it very difficult when I had my own small children. It’s not that I don’t love kids. I just love them more when they’re locked away in your home.

2) I don’t like anyone looking over my shoulder when I’m writing, be it a script, email, or love letters to Jessica Alba or Sandy Koufax.

3) I listen to 60s music when I write. And this includes radio station jingles from the era and Joanie Sommers Pepsi commercials. I love Joanie Sommers.

4) I can’t watch an old black and white movie from the 30’s or 40’s without thinking “everyone I’m looking at is dead”. Not that this spoils my enjoyment.

5) I go through breakfast phases. I eat the same thing every day for a couple of years and then switch. Currently it’s macadamia nuts and raisins. If I ever switch to Lucky Charms get “old Betsy” off the wall and shoot me.

6) I have no blood so I always dress warm. Stop making fun of Cosby for wearing those sweaters. They look cool.

7) I'm afraid if I install any computer program I'm going to hit the wrong button and crash every computer on the planet. I call this Y2Ken.

8) As a former disc jockey, I still talk-up records in my car. Right up to the vocal. I’m a master at this. It’s maybe my greatest skill…which is unfortunate since it’s also utterly useless. KHJ Boss Radio is not coming back anytime soon.

9) I can't leave a baseball game until it's over. This quirk has served me well since I go on the air after every Dodger game.

10) I watch HOUSE and believe I have whatever mystery ailment the patient of the week has. My doctor then assures me that bleeding out of my eyes is normal, just drink a glass of water.

Okay, so what are some of yours?

CHEERS: Boys in the Bar

I'd put the first year of CHEERS up against the best year of any sitcom. Here's one David and I wrote for that year called BOYS IN THE BAR. We won a WGA award, a GLAAD award, and were nominated for an Emmy for it. Taken from the headlines when former Dodger player Glenn Burke announced that he was gay, it concerns small minded thinking and stereotypes. When Sam publicly supports his ex-roommate who comes out of the closet the Cheers patrons worry that the bar will go gay. Here's the full behind-the-scenes story of that episode. And here's the episode.

Richard Burton and Jack Elam offered the same part

It's Friday Question time:

From Chris Andelman:

My question is about writing episodes for guest actors. Do you ever sign them first and then write with them in mind?

Yes, but not always. The CHEERS staff had an idea for a character they thought would be great for John Cleese. He liked the idea and agreed to played it. Peter Casey & David Lee then wrote a brilliant script.

When my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote the Tonight Show episode of CHEERS we had Johnny Carson going in. We kind of insisted on it.

A hot show will attract hotter guest stars. The Zeitgeist Factor is huge. Britney Spears did a HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. I doubt they could have gotten her for ACCORDING TO JIM. Julia Roberts did FRIENDS. We couldn’t get Iron Eyes Cody for AfterMASH.

It always helps to hear the actor’s voice in your head as you write but most times you’re not afforded that luxury. You write a character and hope it will attract a big name.

In the first year of CHEERS David Lloyd wrote a wonderful episode called “The Spy Who Came In For a Cold One”. It’s about a larger-than-life figure who comes into the bar. Richard Burton had just done an episode of SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN (I think he and Lee Majors were friends) so we thought, “Let’s get him.” Burton passed. I forget who came up with this brainstorm but we then offered the part to Jack Elam. He was that terrific character actor with the wandering eye who always played scruffy characters, usually killers in westerns. I’m sure it’s the first time the same role had ever been offered to Richard Burton and Jack Elam. Elam passed. And we wound up with Ellis Raab, a rather flamboyant theatrical actor – who couldn’t have been more dissimilar to either Burton or Elam.













For the “Hot Rocks” episode of CHEERS, David and I thought we had Celtics’ star, Larry Bird. So we concocted a story where Rebecca thought he stole her earrings. Bird then dropped out. So we went with the next logical choice -- Admiral William J. Crowe, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

But if I had to break it down I'd guess you go to the guest star before you write the script 70% of the time. Maybe 71%

From Adrian:

Was hit with a question and wasn't sure how to answer it when they asked "sure it sounds funny, but what's the comic depth of the sitcom?" I'd love to answer that but I keep getting different takes on what exactly "comic depth" means. Can you help define it?

First off, I hate it when people say “Sure, it sounds funny”, or “Yeah, it’s funny but…” Do they have any idea how hard it is to MAKE something funny? “Yeah, you replaced six of his vital organs but…” So right away I want to smack those people. “Comic depth” sounds like one of those actor terms like “emotional center” or “total being”. There’s no such thing. It's bullshit. A better question might be where’s the reality of the joke? The best jokes come from relatable behavior that could plausibly happen.

That’s not to say the behavior can’t be extreme. Just justify it. Characters who are desperate or under tremendous pressure or are love sick (just to name a few examples) will do wacky things, irrational things, unpredictable things. But you buy it if you know exactly what has driven them to such extremes.

My other explanation is that “comic depth” is 2 feet 6 inches.

What’s your question?

Great minds or great memories?

Oops! Received this comment from blog faithful Doug McEwan:

"Raiders of the Lost AARP"

A perfect example of my point two columns back, that sometimes two brilliant minds will come up with the same joke independently, that it's not always a steal, because Tallulah used "Raiders of the Lost AARP" several times over on her blog back when the film came out a year ago.

Great Minds and all that.

Yes, it is very possible for two people to independently come up with the same joke or premise or subject for a painting. I just recently learned that Cezanne wasn’t the only artist to paint fruit. And in the case of “Lost AARP” that’s partly the case. It would be entirely the case if I hadn’t read Tallulah’s blog (she has a new piece that’s a riot, by the way). I had consciously forgotten it but my brain’s komedy kloset apparently did not. So, sorry about that Tallulah. And little Dougie.

This is why when I review award shows I always try to post them as soon as I can. Other reviews may tread on similar comic ground and I want to cover myself that I came up with the jokes myself and didn’t lift them from other sources.

But the greatest story of inadvertently stealing someone else’s material comes from singer/songwriter, Neil Sedaka. Neil is an incredibly talented musician. His performing career spans fifty years and he has written hundreds of hit songs including “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” and “Love Will Keep Us Together”. Neil was part of that Brill Building collection of superstar songwriters in the early 60s that included Carole King and Bacharach & David.

One day while noodling at the piano he came up with an incredible melody. He was ecstatic. This was the best melody he ever wrote. He quickly rounded up some musicians to do a demo. This was going to be a sure-fire smash.

The excited musicians gathered for the session, Neil proudly played the melody and they looked at him dumfounded. One had to gently remind him that that was Gershwin’s “Our Love Is Here To Stay”. I’m sure, like me, a red-faced Sedaka said…

Oops!

Hollywood in crisis! People no longer buying crap!

Hollywood is baffled. DVD sales are down. 18%, which is significant. How could this be the bewildered industry wonders? Especially since boxoffice figures are up 10%.

Is it the economy?

Do people like to “experience” entertainment so that’s why they like actually going to movies or concerts?

Is Netflix to blame? Or movies on demand?

The Writers Guild Strike? (Hollywood believes the WGA is the cause for all crises including Global Warming and the swine flu.)

So why are studios in such a panic if more people are going to the cineplex? Because they make windfall profits on DVD sales. And here’s the best part – they don’t have to account for them!

Boxoffice numbers are made public almost immediately, but Hollywood can easily hide the income totals derived from DVD sales. It’s the same reason the Mafia was so into the juke box business. Who’s to say how many coins were dropped into those slots? All the better to skim, and in the case of Hollywood, not pay proper royalties to writers, directors, and actors.

Does your heart break for the major studios yet?

And here’s the real terrifying thing for them – bad movies are the ones that are no longer selling.

In years past even the poorly reviewed boxoffice flops would bring in DVD bucks. Kevin Costner films left the shelves. But a curious thing has happened. People stopped buying crap. Even though they both did well theatrically, IRON MAN had brisk DVD sales while the new Indiana Jones RAIDERS OF THE LOST AARP tanked. HANCOCK flopped while WALL-E flourished. Both had nice boxoffice paydays.

You can see why the moguls are popping Lexapro out of Pez dispensers. Gone is their margin for error. Now they must – God forbid – make GOOD movies. And the problem here is that they have no clue how to do that. They can’t just hedge their bets anymore by greenlighting expensive Raider sequels or casting Will Smith.

Art house films aren’t doing well either but that shouldn’t be a surprise. You don’t buy Blu-Ray players and build tricked-out home entertainment centers to watch THE READER in surround sound.

At first it was real exciting to own DVD’s. Imagine, having your favorite films right there in your home! You can watch VOLUNTEERS anytime you want! But eventually the novelty wore off. I think it was the release of SPEED RACER that pushed the public over the edge.

So what does Tinsel Town do? Get even more cautious and gravitate even more towards safe commercial fare (MARLEY AND ME AND SOMEONE ELSE?). Still no guarantee. They could make better movies but that’s just crazy talk so let’s move on. No, I think Hollywood will find a solution.

They’ll just invent a new format. That’ll give them ten good years before people stop buying KUNG FU PANDA 9 and HD mini-chip sales drop 18%. But by then they’ll all be in Hawaii and it will be your problem. Covet that copy of MANNEQUIN 2. It may someday be obsolete.

the happy ending

Yesterday I told you about losing a radio gig because my “friend” stole my material. Now flash forward four years. I’m writing on MASH and doing a Saturday night disc jockey show on KTNQ (Ten-Q) in Los Angeles. Yes, I finally got to be on the radio in my own hometown. The station wasn’t in a high rise, it was in an abandoned mortuary in Koreatown but still!

I’m on the air for about six months when I get a call on the station hot line. It’s Rick Carroll, who was the program director of KKDJ. He asked if I remembered being thrown out of his office. I said, “Yes, I still have the tic.” He went on to say he owed me a big apology. He had been listening to me every week on Ten-Q and clearly his DJ, Bobby had stolen the material from me, not the other way around. It was a lovely gesture on his part and I appreciated it greatly.

The truth is, the only way I could get respect in radio was by leaving it. Before I became a writer I was always being told by my program directors to stop trying to do schtick. Just shut up and play the damn records. I can’t tell you how many memos I got insisting I was not remotely funny.

And then a strange thing happened. I sold a couple of scripts, quit radio full-time, and suddenly I was a comic genius. My content was fresh and original and hilarious.

It was the same schtick. In some cases the exact same jokes.

The point is this: don’t let other people tell you you’re not funny. What the hell do they know? Yes, your material and/or delivery might need a bit of polish, but the first step to success is believing in yourself. All you gotta do is find one person who likes you. Then the ones who didn’t will start going around telling people they “discovered” you. Trust me, it’s a beautiful thing not to take their calls.

Stealing jokes

If there’s one thing that all writers and comedians hate it’s people stealing their material. It’s certainly an occupational hazard but there should be a place in hell for those who steal jokes. You can shovel coal for all eternity with Milton Berle. I’ve had it happen to me on numerous occasions but none more egregious than this:

In the mid 70s I was an all-night disc jockey in San Bernardino. Trying to be funny every three minutes for the eight 7-11 night managers and half of them were probably tied up in the back. My dream was to someday be on the radio in LA, my hometown. Considering my voice I always figured it was a longshot. Meanwhile, one of my college campus radio buddies rocketed up the radio ladder of success and was a jock on KKDJ, the first top 40 FM station in Los Angeles. Their studios were in a skyscraper in Hollywood and their studio looked out over the entire city. This WAS the big time! I heard through the grapevine that there was an opening for weekend all-nights (clearly the worst shift in broadcast history). Still, for me it was the brass ring, primetime, and the pimp spot all rolled into one. Just think, I’d be talking to 7-11 night managers in Downey and City of Industry!

I called my friend (we’ll call him “Bobby”) and asked if he’d arrange a meeting with the program director, Rick Carroll. He did and I got a appointment the following day. When I got off the air that morning I took a bunch a tapes of recent shows and cobbled together an audition tape, featuring some of my best lines of the week.

I caught an hour’s sleep, put on my only decent clothes, and barreled up to Los Angeles. Rick Carroll ushered me into his office, we had some charming chit chat, and then he said, “So let’s see what you sound like.” He put on my tape and after two sets turned off the recorder. He turned to me and said, “Are you fucking crazy?” “Wha?” I was stunned. He continued: “How can you come into my office and give me a tape and steal all of Bobby’s material?” Now I was flabbergasted. “But it’s not… this is my stuff” I pleaded. Cutting to the chase he threw me out of his office.

I ran to a phone to call Bobby. Oh, he was apologetic. He was such a fan he used to listen to me in the middle of the night and subconsciously he guessed, he “borrowed” my material without realizing it.

Yeah. Right. It was an “homage”.

Then tell Rick Carroll the truth, I said. Well, that he didn’t want to do because he thought it might jeopardize his job.

He and I are not close today.

So I didn’t get the job and at the time thought I had missed my only opportunity to ever be on the radio in Los Angeles.

Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. Tell you tomorrow.