Hollywood in crisis! People no longer buying crap!

Hollywood is baffled. DVD sales are down. 18%, which is significant. How could this be the bewildered industry wonders? Especially since boxoffice figures are up 10%.

Is it the economy?

Do people like to “experience” entertainment so that’s why they like actually going to movies or concerts?

Is Netflix to blame? Or movies on demand?

The Writers Guild Strike? (Hollywood believes the WGA is the cause for all crises including Global Warming and the swine flu.)

So why are studios in such a panic if more people are going to the cineplex? Because they make windfall profits on DVD sales. And here’s the best part – they don’t have to account for them!

Boxoffice numbers are made public almost immediately, but Hollywood can easily hide the income totals derived from DVD sales. It’s the same reason the Mafia was so into the juke box business. Who’s to say how many coins were dropped into those slots? All the better to skim, and in the case of Hollywood, not pay proper royalties to writers, directors, and actors.

Does your heart break for the major studios yet?

And here’s the real terrifying thing for them – bad movies are the ones that are no longer selling.

In years past even the poorly reviewed boxoffice flops would bring in DVD bucks. Kevin Costner films left the shelves. But a curious thing has happened. People stopped buying crap. Even though they both did well theatrically, IRON MAN had brisk DVD sales while the new Indiana Jones RAIDERS OF THE LOST AARP tanked. HANCOCK flopped while WALL-E flourished. Both had nice boxoffice paydays.

You can see why the moguls are popping Lexapro out of Pez dispensers. Gone is their margin for error. Now they must – God forbid – make GOOD movies. And the problem here is that they have no clue how to do that. They can’t just hedge their bets anymore by greenlighting expensive Raider sequels or casting Will Smith.

Art house films aren’t doing well either but that shouldn’t be a surprise. You don’t buy Blu-Ray players and build tricked-out home entertainment centers to watch THE READER in surround sound.

At first it was real exciting to own DVD’s. Imagine, having your favorite films right there in your home! You can watch VOLUNTEERS anytime you want! But eventually the novelty wore off. I think it was the release of SPEED RACER that pushed the public over the edge.

So what does Tinsel Town do? Get even more cautious and gravitate even more towards safe commercial fare (MARLEY AND ME AND SOMEONE ELSE?). Still no guarantee. They could make better movies but that’s just crazy talk so let’s move on. No, I think Hollywood will find a solution.

They’ll just invent a new format. That’ll give them ten good years before people stop buying KUNG FU PANDA 9 and HD mini-chip sales drop 18%. But by then they’ll all be in Hawaii and it will be your problem. Covet that copy of MANNEQUIN 2. It may someday be obsolete.