The speech that launched our career

Hope you're enjoying your holiday weekend. In 1976, right after Labor Day filming began on the first MASH my partner David Isaacs and I ever wrote. (“Out of Sight/Out of Mind”, season 5). Being on the set for that was unbelievable! It was especially great to be there when Alan Alda (Hawkeye) did "the speech".

It took us a week and at least fifty drafts to complete. But it launched our career. I imagine it's on YouTube but I couldn't find it.

Here's the set-up: Hawkeye was temporarily blind, with no guarantee he’d ever see again. He dealt with it by staying very busy, even being a little manic. Finally, B.J. sits him down in Post Op and they have the following exchange:

********

B.J.
Listen, Hawk, why don’t you just settle down for five minutes? I know what you’re trying to do, and I know how you really feel.

HAWKEYE
No you don’t.

B.J.
You don’t want to have time to think about what might happen to you.

HAWKEYE
That’s not it. Sure, when Overman walks in tomorrow and unwraps my package, I hope to God I’ll have my sight back. But in the meantime, this crazy accident has taken on another meaning.

B.J.
How?

HAWKEYE
One part of the world closed down for me, but another part opened up. Sure, I’ve been seeing myself sitting on a corner with a tin cup selling thermometers. But things are happening that take me away from that. This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to a rainstorm. I didn’t just hear it, I was part of it. I’ll bet you never realized that the sound of rain hitting the ground makes the same noise as steaks when they barbeque, or that thunder seems to echo forever. And you can’t believe how funny it is to hear someone slip and fall in the mud. Had to be Burns. Beej, it’s full of trapdoors, but I think I’m using this thing to my advantage. I’ve never spent a more conscious day in my life.

Thin Thighs cause heart disease!!!

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Maybe the most insane game show ever

This comes from the early 50s, the embryonic days of television, and a network (Dumont) that long since has disappeared. OKAY MOTHER starring Dennis James. He later went on to host a gazillion national game shows. But here he's on speed with a Red Bull chaser. If you can make it until the middle, Dennis shows off his sketch comedy skills. Holy shit! And then a discussion over whether to spank your kid for getting wet in the sprinklers. It's just jaw dropping. Thanks to friend of the blog, Mike McCann for finding this hilarious and appalling chestnut.

Video removed

For whatever reason the Rachael Harris spoof was removed. Sorry 'bout dat. You're welcome to scroll down to the Frasier living room post if you haven't seen it yet. It's not as funny but at least it's still up.

The Frasier Living Room

Getting your Labor Day Weekend off to a good start, here is a Friday question and answer:

Dave wonders about the FRASIER set.

Where were the cameras, and where was the audience?

The living room gives the viewer virtually a 360-degree view of the set. There seems to be a small space between the front door and the kitchen, but sometimes we see a wall there. And then there are the reverse angles; sometimes we have setups by the kitchen, sometimes by the balcony, sometime by the fireplace.

Were the walls movable? Was it clever staging? Handheld cameras? Multiple takes? What's the deal?

First off, the set was brilliantly designed by Roy Christopher. In addition to all the shows he’s worked on, he’s also designed the sets for numerous Oscar and Emmy award shows. But for my money the Frasier living room is his masterpiece.

The audience looks straight into the set. The balcony and skyline of Seattle is in the back. Martin’s chair faces you. Between the audience bleachers and the set are the four cameras. Walls are hinged. The wall leading to the kitchen can swing in and you can get a camera way up into the set. You can shoot the couch (which is angled to the audience) practically straight on.

I was able to bring cameras way up into the set and shoot a scene between Daphne and Roz at that round kitchen table in the back. You can get cameras far enough into the set to shoot scenes out on the balcony if you like.

In a couple of places there are "ports" in the walls. These are sections that can slide out allowing cameras to peek through from the other side of the wall. This allows you to shoot deep up into the set. You're always trying to get shots where you can see the actors' eyes. That's not something you are consciously aware of but when you can't see the eyes it's very disconcerting.

How they sometimes do reverse angles is by sliding a wall piece in. That's the "fourth" wall that the audience is looking through normally.

And here’s the best part. Wherever you shoot, from any camera, it’s always an interesting angle. There are hallways and nooks and skylines and pianos and artwork and fireplaces – it’s just a feast for the eye.

What's more exciting than photos from someone's trip?

So I've been posting these travelogues on my blog for a couple of years now. Probably thirty of them so far. Vegas, London, Dallas, New Yawk -- all over. My Denver post (not to be confused with their newspaper of the same name) got picked up by some Denver website that is incensed. According to them I "hate" Denver. Wow. First off, I don't, and secondly, it's a humor piece folks!

Anyway, at the risk of really pissing off the Mile Highers even more, here are some recent photos from my trip. First -- some fans of this blog from Cincinnati to show that not everyone hates me. Yes, it's just four but there were two others who were called away at the last moment. Okay, now to (gulp) Denver.

I got taken to task for mentioning thunderstorms. Irate commenters declared that LA has fires and earthquakes, etc. (which of course was all news to me). So this was a once in a million occurrence? We lost. As you can see, I'm very concerned. How the hell am I going to get one of our players to be on the postgame show?? This was moments before I was stuffed in a bat bag. Losing pitchers who can't throw strikes are even more over-sensitive than Denverians. Here's the fabulous Denver Greyhound Bus Station and the flop house that resides next door -- the Ritz-Carlton.

I shouldn't include this next one because it makes it seem I actually "like" Denver. This is from Coors field when it is sunny and glorious.
Now to Cincinnati, where I fared better even though I blasted their sacred chili.

This is either the Reds' mascot or Ted Williams' actual head.
In the Reds clubhouse there is a room called the chapel, which I guess is just a fancy name for golf clubs storage closet. I now expect many religious groups to rip me a new one.
The Quacky races, ladies and gentlemen. Teams raced through an obstacle course with rubber ducks. Oh God, am I going to hear from mallard societies?
Your Quacky teams.


And finally, cornholing... among consenting adults.

Tomorrow I discuss the FRASIER living room set. Architecture-defamation groups get ready.

Summer in Cincinnati

Yesterday I posted the Denver portion of my road trip with the Dodger's. Today comes the Cincinnati part.

All you really need to know about Cincinnati, Ohio is that Jerry Springer is their former mayor.

Across the Ohio River is Kentucky. It’s the dividing line between the North and South. In Cincinnati you can’t smoke in restaurants. In Kentucky it’s encouraged, as is smoking in church, day care centers, and ICU’s.

Stayed at the downtown Westin – a large concrete, glass, and chrome convention hotel, which after the magnificent Denver Ritz-Carlton felt like camping.

Across the street was Fountain Square. It’s what you see in the opening titles of WKRP IN CINCINNATI. The centerpiece is the Tyler Davidson Fountain – actually more center now that they moved it a few feet. Yes, it cost $42,000,000 to do that but it’s much easier to frame up in your cellphone camera now!

Cincinnati proudly calls itself “Porkopolis”. The pork industry has always been major there. A few years ago they had a public arts project called “The Big Pig Gig” in which more than 400 brightly painted ceramic pigs were displayed all over town. Some had names like “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”.

This pig theme is everywhere. Near the ballpark is Sawyer’s Point that features statues of winged pigs. And Cincy’s annual marathon is called “The Flying Pig”.

There is now a HUGE void in “Zinzinnati”. Gary Burbank is no longer on WLW. For years this town was blessed with the funniest, most creative disc jockey in America. Dr. Johnny Fever is still on WKRP but boy, he sure hates playing that new hip-hop shit the kids of today are enjoying.

At least the locals (What do they call themselves? Cincinnatians? Queens? Porkers?) are blessed with two stellar sportscasters – Marty Brennaman, the longtime voice of the Reds (and Elvis aficionado), and Dan Hoard who calls University of Cincinnati football and basketball. Both are far better than the teams they cover.

Caught the Quacky Races at Fountain Square. Teams in ridiculous duck costumes battled a rigorous obstacle course to win… I dunno, something (maybe the chance to compete on I SURVIVED A JAPANESE GAME SHOW). This is in anticipation of the big event – “The Rubber Duck Regatta” where they will dump 100,000 rubber ducks into the Ohio River and let them race for a quarter mile of thrills. People buy the ducks with the proceeds going to charity. At least it’s not 100,000 pigs.

And then Saturday I was really privileged to attend the Cornhole Championships at Fountain Square. It turns out cornholing is also a game. Who knew? You play it with a board and bags and it was originated in Cincinnati. Still, how do you tell a girl you’re hoping to impress that you’re a champion cornholer?

Graeter’s Ice Cream is a must! Homemade, by hand, delicious. A member of our traveling party bought 12 pints. I hope he planned to ship them home and not finish them all in his room because he’s sad.

On the other hand, Skyline Chili is highly overrated. It’s not even chili. It’s runny meat on spaghetti with a disgusting dollop of cheese on top. I’m sure Skyline Chili has caused more clogged arteries and prison riots than any other regional delicacy in the world.

The Reds play in the “Great American Ballpark”. Locals call it the “Pretty Good American Ballpark” and ballplayers call it “the Great American Smallpark” -- it is very hitter friendly. It’s new and a little generic but still a vast improvement over Riverfront Stadium, which was the world’s largest concrete ashtray. There is a big riverboat in centerfield and offhand I can’t think of another stadium that has one of those (maybe the Metrodome). And from the two upper decks you get a nice view of Kentucky (although it’s usually obscured in a cloud of smoke), and 100,000 rubber ducks.

My favorite ballpark ad: “1-800-GOT-JUNK: THE OFFICIAL REMOVAL SERVICE OF THE CINCINNATI REDS”.

Several readers of my blog came out to the game on Saturday just to meet me! Aw, who’m I kidding? They were there for “Reusable Grocery Bag Day”. Still, thanks to Matt, Simon, Stephanie, Rosie – everyone who showed up.

If you like ribs go to Montgomery’s. Bob Hope used to have them shipped to him. That’s high praise until you realize the alternative was Army chow in Da Nang.

About nine blocks from the ballpark is an area known as “Over-the-Rhine”. It’s rated the single most dangerous neighborhood in the country! And remember, cornholing is legal. “Over-the-Rhine’s” crime rate is higher per capita than any other U.S. neighborhood. So take that Detroit, New York, and Phoenix! It’s so out of control there people are even smoking in restaurants! Police raided a home just last week and confiscated 400 brightly painted ceramic pigs!

“The Bums” took two out of three from the Reds and we headed home still in first place. And even better – no Dodger is out for the rest of the year after eating a bowl of Skyline Chili.

I guess the most appropriate way to say goodbye from Cincinnati is “Abadee, abadee, abadee, th-th-that’s all folks!”