AMERICAN IDOL -- Adam and the two other guys

Some idle idol questions:

How do they schedule only six songs in 64 minutes and still go over? Especially when, in years past, they’d do nine songs and finish on time.

Was Simon and Ryan in the tanning booth too long? Their skin was the same shade as Bob Evans’ – a orange heretofore never seen in nature.

And were they in the same tanning booth?

What was Carrie Underwood doing on SURVIVOR?

Why is Kara even there?

Who were some of those people they showed in the audience? They’re now even less familiar than stars of Fox comedies.

Where’s the suspense? Adam, Kris, and Danny are like a presidential election between Barack Obama, Ralph Nader, and Lyndon LaRouche.

Now to the performances. The judges chose one song and the contestants got to choose the other.

Danny Gokey, as per Paula’s suggestion, did some forgettable song about a dancing relative, originally sung by Trent D’Arby, an artist whose name was so forgettable he forgot it himself and now is known as Sananda Maitreya. Simon criticized the song choice (I love that) and the hens were split on Danny’s dancing. I thought he did fine and could become the most nonthreatening performer to have a hit on the rock charts since the Singing Nun.

His other song was Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful”. I know I’m going to take heat for this but I was disappointed. Joe Cocker had heart, Joe Cocker had raw emotion, Joe Cocker had seizures. I felt none of that from Danny. Just vocal gymnastics. Rarely will a guy plead his love to a girl by blasting a note to her from across the Acropolis.

Kris Allen did “Apologize” as per Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber’s suggestion. Maybe the best moment of the year was when Simon called out Kara for picking this nothing song and then criticizing Kris’ performance of it. Kara is that obnoxious cousin every family has that you hate yourself for thinking this but you wish she had married Ike Turner.

Kris’ next number, Kanye West’s “Heartless” was better. The judges thought his acoustic arrangement was daring and risky. Sorry but that’s pushing it a little. Daring and risky is tackling an acoustic arrangement when you don’t know how to play guitar.

Of course Simon had the best song selection – “One” by U2 for Adam Lambert. And of course Adam (who went back to the Joey Heatherton look) gave the performance of the night. Although, is it just me or is his high-pitched screech getting just a tad annoying? Please don’t burn a big A on my lawn. I’m just askin’.

For his own number Adam did Aerosmith’s “Cryin’”. At this point he could have done the “Unicorn Song” and still received the same four blowjobs from the judges. He’s a lock to win AMERICAN IDOL and either become the next Elvis Presley or Bette Midler.

And for Kris and Danny, hey, losing isn’t so bad. At least you don’t have to go to Africa.

Tomorrow: Montgomery Burns explains the whole Hulu/cable company controversy to you.

Comedy writers can be bad ass

In the summer of 1990 I was broadcasting for the Tidewater Tides, the AAA affiliate of the New York Mets. It was a Sunday afternoon game and I had to read a commercial for the Day’s Inn at Military Circle – “Home to the visiting teams of the International League”. I noted that our dreaded rivals, the Columbus Clippers (Yankees ) were coming to town next and said, “Why don’t you call them all at 5 a.m. and welcome them to Tidewater.” Now you have to bear in mind that no one listened to minor league radio broadcasts other than players’ wives.

Or so I thought.

The next afternoon I arrived at the park only to learn that the Clippers had been besieged with pre dawn wake up calls. Needless to say they were pissed.

I guiltily went down to their clubhouse and apologized to their manager, Rick Down. He was very gracious, said he had heard it on the air and thought it was pretty funny. He also felt this would stir up the team, I might have done him a favor. (It did. They won that night. So now I had pissed off both teams.) But Rick was very forgiving.

The Clippers’ trainer however, was not. He went ballistic when he saw me, calling me words that were too harsh even for DEADWOOD. And he vowed to get back at me when we were in Columbus the following weekend.

I calmly asked if he ever watched CHEERS. He said, “Yeah, why?” wondering why that was relevant to anything. I then asked if he ever caught some of the bar wars episodes between Cheers and Gary’s Old Towne tavern? Again, he said, “Yeah. So what?” “Well, I wrote those shows, motherfucker, “ I said, “Do you really want to get into a practical joke war with me?”

That was the last I heard of the trainer.

The moral is clear.

Do NOT fuck with comedy writers! EVER!

We may appear harmless but we can fill your office with sheep just for looking at us funny.

Is it okay to boo at operas?

A time honored tradition at any sporting event is booing. In Philadelphia fans been even known to boo the opposition and not just their own players. New York fans tend to confine their booing to the visiting team but should an opposing outfielder crash into a fence they’ll ease up on the jeering by spitting on the fallen athlete.

But it’s expected. It’s a ballgame. And they serve beer.

Lately, however, the practice has expanded. People are now booing at operas.

Some fat woman in a Viking helmet can’t hit high E after C, theatergoers let her have it. Should a director take liberties with that classic Der Ring des Nibelungen he’ll hear about it in no uncertain terms.

This is not a trend I approve of. First of all, when I go to an opera I don’t want anything to wake me up. Secondly, what does this say about our society? Has our rage gotten so out of hand that we feel the need to blast bulbous singing clowns? Do they now sell Budweiser at Teatro Regio di Parma?

I’m not an opera buff. But it was nice to know there was some civility somewhere. I mean, it’s not like Barry Bonds is barnstorming Austria singing Pagliacci.

People are also booing in movie theaters and this really baffles me. I can see it during test screenings. The filmmakers are there seeking input. But when you boo Sylvester Stallone for being twenty years too old to star as an action hero at a Cineplex in Kansas on a Tuesday night, chances are good he’s not going to hear you. Actually, in that case no one will hear you because you’ll be alone in the theater.

Still the question remains, do you think it’s okay to boo at operas or plays or musicals besides CATS?

Happy Mama's Day

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!This is my favorite mother joke. Actually it's a mother-in-law joke and it comes from the very politically incorrect but screamingly funny AMOS & ANDY SHOW. I believe this was written by Mosher & Connelly (who went on to create LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE MUNSTERS).

The Kingfish sets up a blind date for "Mama". Hoping the poor guy would like her and take her off of his hands he arranges for Mama to go to the beauty parlor. He's talking to the hair stylist, describing Mama. He says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Picture a grapefruit that's been out at sea. And it washes ashore, all covered with seaweed and crabs. Now it sits in the sun for a couple of weeks and gets all wrinkly and rotted and bugs are now flying around it. Can you picture that?" The hairstylist says "Uh huh." And the Kingfish says, "Good. If you can make her look that good I'd be satisfied!"

The funniest scene I ever directed

It's a show and tell answer to a bonus question.

Scott Siegel asked:

Recently I've been introducing my children to the great sitcoms of the past. And often I will just show them some classic scenes that work by themselves (such as Lucy at the Candy Shop, Rev. Jim getting his driver's license, Oscar and Felix on Password). Are there any scenes that you and David wrote that you are perfectly proud of in terms of its comedic timeliness?

This isn't a scene we wrote but it is a scene I directed and it makes me laugh every time I watch it. It's from a FRASIER episode called "Roz and the Schnoz", hilariously written by Jeff Richman. It was quite a director's challenge to maximize all the moments and reveals and I'm very proud of how it came out.

Roz is about to meet the parents of the father of her soon-to-be child. Enjoy.



What's your question???

The Albania song

Here's a tell-and-show Friday question.

cleek wonders:

Who wrote Coach's "Albania" song? Everything I know about the country comes from that song, so I'd like to thank whoever wrote it.

That was from the third season of CHEERS. My memory is a little hazy on that episode so I contacted two writers who were involved.

From Tom Reeder:

Hi, Ken -- As it turns out, I was the writer of that script. It was called "Teacher's Pet", and the storyline had to do with Sam going to night school to get the high school diploma he'd never achieved. Inspired by Sam, Coach also went back to finish up -- he was a couple of years short. Coach proved to be a more diligent student than Sam, because he developed his own unique mnemonic devices. One of them was a song (to the tune of "When The Saints Go Marching In") that contained facts about Albania for an upcoming Geography test: "You border on the Adriatic"... "your land is mostly mountainous"... "and your chief export is chrome".

In fairness, I think Sam Simon may have supplied some of the words for the song, and I may not have the lyrics exactly right, but I'm pretty certain "your chief export is chrome" was the last line. Nick Colasanto really sold it. It was pretty funny.

It's not unusual for the staff to tinker with scripts. Lord knows they improved all of mine. Sam Simon was a producer of CHEERS that year and talks about polishing the Albania bit.

It was room written by Glen and Les Charles, Heide Perlman, David Angel, Ken Estin and myself in about 90 seconds. I went to the Bornstein Memory School when I was a kid, and I suggested the song as a mnemonic device. This was before the internet, so we got out an almanac for the facts, which were true. I think the tune is “When the Saints Go Marching In”. I guess it shows how effective transposing song lyrics are as a mnemonic device, because, more than twenty years later, I know Albania borders on the Adriatic and their chief export is chrome. This may have been the last episode Nick filmed, I’m not sure. They aired out of order. He was extremely frail that night.

Thanks to Tom and Sam, and now, here is the actual scene. What's your question? If I don't know the answer I try to find the people who do.

My take on Manny Ramirez

It will sure be interesting hosting Dodger Talk on KABC tonight. Manny Ramirez has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs and has been suspended for fifty games. Uh, there goes Mannywood. Big sale on those dreadlocks at the concession stands. And of course there are the thousand Manny billboards that are splayed over the southland.

This is a huge bombshell and a crushing blow to the Dodgers and their fans. Supposedly, he was suspended not for steroids but for some doctor prescribed amphetamine. I’d like to believe that’s true. I’d like to believe he didn’t cheat; he just showed incredibly poor judgment. And considering Manny's past history let's just say there has been precedent. Hey, will you people in Boston stop laughing so hard? It’s breaking my concentration.

There is another case of a player, J.C. Romero of the Philadelphia Phillies who was recently suspended fifty games for taking a supplement he purchased over the counter. He too thought it was safe. All he, or Manny, or any player who knows how to use the phone has to do is call the commissioner’s office for verification on any specific drug, supplement, or Tic Tac. If a doctor prescribes it that’s not enough. If you buy it at Whole Foods that’s not enough. If you call the players union and get their permission that’s not enough either. CHECK FIRST YOU IDIOTS!!!!

And again, I'm taking Manny's statement at face value. Who knows if more bombshells are coming? At this point I wouldn't be shocked if word leaks that Mother Teresa was also a gun runner.

Manny will return in early July and in all likelihood the Dodgers will prevail. This is a good team without him and I suspect the players will rise to the occasion. And it doesn’t hurt that they’re playing in a God awful division. But the betrayal to the fans is devastating. Yes, they may forgive him. They forgave Kobe. (Let’s see how New York fans welcome back A-Roid.) But it’ll never be the same. I feel sorry for all the kids who lost a hero today. I feel sorry for the McCourts who shelled out a lot of 2009-economy dollars in good faith to bring him to Los Angeles. In fact, I feel sorry for everybody... but Ramirez.

On a personal note, I like Manny. He’s a very engaging guy. A big kid. Fun to be around. I always thought he was a goofball, not taking them. And true, Manny's not the smartest ballplayer I’ve ever encountered but the person representing him – who is smart -- is supposed to look out for him. That would be Scott Boras… the same Scott Boras who also represents Alex Rodriguez. Nice job, Scott.

This is a sad day for the Dodgers and the game itself. As a lifelong fan, it breaks my heart. Is my love for baseball the only remaining pure thing about it?