Now begins the fun part of AMERICAN IDOL, when the 36 top contestants sing for America and get rejected by YOU. Side note: Was there anything more boring than last Wednesday night’s show? Not one but two hours of watching anxious kids walk the grounds of Flava Flav’s mansion or wherever they hell they were to be told yay or nay by Simon and the Three Stooges.
To prepare you for the festivities ahead, my daughter Annie and I will provide all the information you need to go into these next rounds suitably prejudiced.
Before we start, it seems unfair that kids with recording contracts or starring roles in WICKED should be in competition with oil rig hard hat guys. Isn’t the idea to give people a chance who otherwise couldn’t meet Clive Davis if Clive ran them over with his car?
That said, here are some of this year’s candidates.
Adam Lambert – He’s from San Francisco. He’s in the LA production of WICKED, and people were shocked to hear he’s gay. Should do great on Andrew Lloyd Webber night, really bad on red neck country night.
Michael Sarver – Works on an oil rig. Has never heard of WICKED.
Alexis Grace – 21 with a kid. Hey, it worked for Fantasia. Hopes to get a recording contract and afford day care. Does great Celine Dion impression. Is that a good thing?
Tatiana Nicole Del Toro – Completely nuts. Easily the most annoying contestant ever. The only time I want to see Tatiana on Fox is when Jack Bauer is torturing her. And even if she tells him what he wants to know he still doesn’t stop.
Danny Gokey – Great singer. Wife died. He would have made it anyway.
Jorge Nunez – Sang in Spanish. Did I miss something? Is this Puerto Rico Idol?
Scott MacIntyre – Blind. That alone should put him in the top 5. As a bonus, he can actually sing!
Jackie Tohn – Didn’t bring down the house in Hollywood but brought down the screen in her New York audition. She says phrases like: “What up with the what-ups?” Gibberish to the rest of the world but Randy Jackson.
Nathaniel Marshall -- 18, mom’s in prison, cries a lot, sports multiple studs, wears headbands, bandanas, can snap his toes. Will either become AMERICAN IDOL or QUEEN FOR A DAY.
Nick Mitchell – Also known as “Norman Gentle”, a flamboyant diva bad lounge act. Always sings in this character. Still more genuine than Tatiana.
Taylor Vaifauna – (pictured above) 16, Polynesian, and of course is from Utah.
Anoop Desai – Slumdog Idol.
Matt Breitzke – Welder. Some contestants play their own instruments. He builds his own sets.
Kristen McNamara – Blonde, can yodel. Better hope there’s yodeling week. Otherwise, no chance.
Jesse Langseth – We have no idea.
Ricky Brady – Same with this guy. Who the hell is he?
Pretty girl/sings pretty well – AnnaMarieBoskovichCaseyCarlsonKendallBeardMeganCorkreyMishavonnaHensonStevieWright
Pretty boy/sings pretty well – AlexWagnerTrugmanBrentKeithKaiKalamaKrisAllenMattGiraudVonSmith
May the least offensive, least derivative, best looking person who sleeps with Paula win.
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