Get a bikini wax, go to jail

Shaping up to be as controversial an issue as Roe vs. Wade or even more, New Jersey (a state so free of crime that it has time to address such issues) is considering banning bikini waxing. Two women have sustained the heartbreak of infections. Why it’s almost an epidemic!

The state Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling (known for their thug-like tactics) are pushing for the ban, hoping to uncover this whole genital waxing outrage. How many New Jersey women will need Neosporin before this life-threatening practice is eradicated?

And then there are the moral implications.

The strong and very vocal lobby group, Mothers United Frontal Front (MUFF) argues that public hair is a living organism. Who are we to take a life?

And the group Righteous Unto God (RUG) claims that “the short and curlies are the Lord’s welcome mat”. There are even biblical passages to that effect but people often mistake references to “the Promised Land” as meaning something else.

Equally vocal and passionate in their defense of Bikini Waxing is the organization Sisters Halting All Vagina Eavesdropping (SHAVE) who vehemently contend that a woman’s body is her own and it’s nobody’s business other than her boyfriend, husband, or subscribers to her webcam.

Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed in the Garden State -- only the face, neck, abdomen, legs and arms are permitted and Jeff Lamm, a spokesman for New Jersey's Division of Consumer Affairs, which oversees the cosmetology board says (and this is an actual quote), "The genital area is not part of the abdomen or legs as some might assume." If this is true than I have been stroking the wrong areas for nothing.

The state Board of Cosmetology will next meet on April 14 to decide whether to move forward with banning the procedure. There is, I understand, tremendous support from law enforcement agencies, who look forward to examining the female population for suspects.

The law would take effect sometime in May. So predictably, there is a huge rush for New Jersey women to get it done now. As one hirsute Fairlawn woman told me, “I will go to Brazil if I have to to get my bikini wax! Even Pennsylvania!”

I will continue to keep an eye on this story.