When I take my seat in an airplane the first thing I do is seek out the Sky Mall magazine. I am forever amazed by the ungodly prices they charge for bizarre hokey items. Who buys this crap? Here are some of the chotzkes in my most recent Sky Mall.Vuzix iWear – Glasses that are supposed to simulate the big screen experience. $249. More if you want the iMax experience.
Gravity Defyer Shoes. Somewhat self-explanatory. $200. Or, for $4 you could tape Slinkys to your current footwear.
HairMax LaserComb – it’s a comb, it’s a laser. It’s the miracle answer to hair loss. Only $449! Perfect for that cue ball who spends thousands on a toupee that looks like a toilet seat.
X5 Hair Laser – See LaserComb but substitute metal ice pack. $299.
A Portable Alarm Clock for your iPhone. Uh, doesn’t the iPhone already have an alarm clock? $99.95.
Computer Speakers for your iPhone. Not to be confused with any speakers that are the same size and use the same plugs. $149.99.
Retractable Banner Pens – Okay, this you could really need. A thousand for only $950.
Hand Therapy Bars -- $59.
Water trappers -- $169. And they’re fade resistant!
Exclusive Microfibres Trellis Mat to protect high-traffic areas. Here’s the good news: it’s low profile so it will never obstruct your door. $149.
Ingeniously engineered EZ Bed that features an extra-plush mattress, a highly supportive frame, and new dual comfort zones. $299. Who buys a bed from a catalog? "I dunno, it sure seemed firmer in the picture."
Wolfgang Puck-designed toaster – otherwise known as a “toaster”. $99.50.
Cinema style Popcorn Maker – Who doesn’t crave seven tubs of popcorn while watching the National Geographic Channel? $199.
Electric Vortex Solo Heater – Nothing heats a room better than Vortex power. $169.
All-in-one Recycling System – patent pending. Perfect for the person who has compacted and non-compacted items. The idea Christmas gift! $299.
Personal Breathalyzer -- $199. Because expensive gadgets know when to say when.
Feature-laden solar emergency radio – Ideal for those sunny day emergencies. $80.
A Bill Sorter – for only 199 of them.
The Custom Keeper -- 25 cubic feet of storage -- A far better name than laundry hamper. $199. Pretty much everything is $199.
The world’s largest write-on map mural – Only $149. The house with cathedral ceilings at $2,000,000 is not included. But what a mural!
Voice activated R2-D2 – “makes any home feel like it has been transported to a galaxy far far away”. The ad goes on to say it features “distinctive happy and sad sounds faithfully mimicking the real thing… right down to his occasional bad mood." If you buy this (at only $169.95) you are too nerdy to live.
The Electric Tint Changing Ski Goggles – No changing goggles while hurtling down the diamond course. $249.95.
The Upside-Down Tomato Garden – $79.95.
The Hand Crank Two Way Radio – Think of all the money you’ll save on two dollar batteries! Only $99.95.
The only Digital Camera Swim Mask – And it’s waterproof! $99.95.
The Sleep Regulating Sun Lamp – It produces no harmful UV radiation so that’s a plus. $249.95
Adjustable Sheepskin Slippers – You wake up in the morning, it’s 20 degrees in the house, you want your feet to be comfy as you putter around the kitchen. $49.95.
The Motion Sickness Relief Wrist Band – It keeps time and reduces nausea! $139.95.
The Finger Drum Mousepad -- $39.95.
The Mind Spa – This comes with a Catwoman type mask and a control unit that combines soothing sounds and calming lights. $349. From SuckerBornEveryMinute Industries.
The Carbon Fiber Heated Vest --$149.95
The Continuously Freshening Feline Drinking Fountain – What cat would be caught dead drinking out of a bowl these days? $69.95. For an extra ten dollars they should throw in a cat.
The Million Germ Eliminating Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer – It uses “proven germicidal UV technology ". And it sanitizes a toothbrush in only seven minutes! $29.95.
The Foldaway Lateral Stepper – $99.95. Or you could just step from side to side yourself for free.
And finally…
The Children’s ATM Bank – No more breaking into piggy banks, kids! Get a debit card and go to town! $39.95.
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