I'M A CELEBRITY! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

As you know I’m always on the lookout for the next really terrible reality show. It’s my mission in life. Well, I’ve found it. NBC’s I’M A CELEBRITY! GET ME OUT OF HERE! It’s on every night this week. I have no idea what its regular time slot is or how long it’s slated to continue. But I watched the big two-hour show on Monday night and am happy to report it was jaw dropping.

Here’s the premise: F list celebrities play a form of SURVIVOR to ultimately become the king or queen of the jungle. They’re playing for charity, which is apparently a euphemism for “trying to desperately revive their careers”. There are challenges and immunity competitions that are supposed to be important for some reason but I have no idea why. They were just a confusing mess.

America gets to vote from time to time and some segments of the show are live and… I have no fucking clue what they’re trying to achieve here.

But none of that matters. When you’re watching a train wreck you don’t care what the menu in the dining car features.

By the time I had caught up with I’M A CELEBRITY! GET ME OUT OF HERE! mega-stars Heidi & Spencer from THE HILLS had already quit. Apparently someone stole her shampoo. In retaliation, Spencer hid former pro wrestler Torrie Wilson’s bag. Heidi explained away his behavior by saying “My husband is a very new Christian”. Heidi also spent a night vomiting and it turns out it wasn’t on purpose.

Daniel Baldwin (who replaced Spencer) has already been eliminated along with those titans of comedy, Frangela.

So here’s who’s left:

Torrie Wilson, former WWE wrestler, Playboy model, and now has her own clothing line.

Stephen Baldwin – the Fredo of the Baldwin brothers.

Sanjaya – former AMERICAN IDOL loser/national joke billed as “Pop Star”.

Holly Montag – (I know. “Who??”) Her claim to fame is that she’s Heidi’s sister. What a coup to get her on the show.

John Salley – former NBA sorta star.

Janice Dickinson – self appointed “World’s First Supermodel”. Total whack job. Already distinguished herself in the fifth season of THE SURREAL WORLD by being in a bowling tournament with kids with “special needs” and ripping them because they weren’t better bowlers.

Lou Diamond Philips – Once had a huge feature career, now reduced to eating a tarantula to win a food challenge.

And maybe the biggest brightest star in the entire galaxy: Patti Blagojevich – wife of former Illinois governor soon to be prison inmate Rod Blagojevich. Not exactly an Oscar winner but she is a licensed real estate broker. What I missed from those early episodes was Spencer telling Patti that Rod would have his vote for president.

The hosts are Damien somebody who just stands around and Myleene Klass, who of course needs no introduction.

Like SURVIVOR they live in a jungle camp. This one’s in Costa Rica. They sleep in what appears to be canvass cocoons. And if none of this was humiliating enough, they all wear T-shirts with the telephone number to call to vote for them on the back.

Some recent highlights:

Patti Blagojevich crying about how she’s probably going to jail.

Janice Dickinson unable to take a dump for nine days.

Sanjaya and Torrie competing in the “Tunnel of Terror”. They had to go through this sewer fighting rats and spiders and crayfish for plastic stars. Favorite part – swimming through this green gunk while baby alligators are literally shot into the water.

The gang commiserating with each other on how hard it is to be a celebrity. Stephen Baldwin said, “Me and Danny and Alec and Billy are just like four regular guys from Long Island… unless I have to get a restaurant reservation last minute and can’t. Then I’m all ‘do you know who my brother is?’”

A couple of snakes enter the campgrounds while they’re all sleeping. From out of nowhere three “On Site Security” ninjas burst in wearing camouflage fatigues. But they round up the snakes quietly. God forbid they wake up Holly Montag.

Janice and Sanjaya having a bit of a tiff over the amount of French fries Sanjaya was cooking. She insisted he throw in more but he feared the larger batch wouldn’t be crispy enough. Where was America to vote and settle this ugly dispute?

I’M A HAS-BEEN OR NEVER-WERE! GET ME OUT OF HERE! The only thing sadder than these participants are the people at home who vote for them.