Summer travel notes from your cranky tourist

With summer on the horizon, here are a few thoughts on the nightmare and ordeal that has become air travel.

There are these new little locks you can put on your luggage that inspectors have the keys to open. When you get your luggage back there will be an indication that your bag has been opened. But mysteriously the locks all disappear. People I know have had as many as three stolen off their bags. So who handles your bag once you check it in? Inspectors. They’re the ones stealing the locks.

And now you have to pay to check in luggage to have it opened, rifled through, broken, ripped, and have your lock stolen.

It soon may be cheaper to let UPS ship your underwear across the country than letting United Airlines do it.

We’ve had TSA checkpoints in airports for almost nine years now. And yet, half the people in line are totally bewildered. Yes, you have to take your shoes off! You see everyone else taking their shoes off? Why would you think that you’re the one person in 200,000,000 that doesn’t?

There is not even a consistent inspection procedure among airports. At LAX you don’t have to show your boarding pass a second time when you pass through the metal detector. In Oakland you do. Some airports require you take out your drivers’ license. In others that’s not necessary.

You need a separate bin for your computer. But you don’t need a separate bin for your keys, another one for your jacket, another one for your change, and two for your shoes. And yes, even though they’re flip flops you have to take off your shoes!

Under-wire bras can set off the alarm. But good news, ladies: gel-filled bras are permitted… and even encouraged.

Keep lines moving!!!!

Don't use free airport Wifi. It is a hackers delight.

For all the aggravation you have to go through, do you even feel remotely safer with all the TSA inspections?

Incoming cars are stopped at security checkpoints (in some airports, not all). And yet cab drivers, who come from every country in the world but America and speak every language but English zip right in.

If you’ve arranged for a towncar the driver should be waiting for you in the terminal with a sign. You shouldn’t have to call him when you get in, then get detailed confusing instructions so that you’re wandering around holding areas in unfamiliar airports, wondering if this is the right exit and this is the right curb and trying to pick out a specific license plate number as fifty cars that all look alike go whizzing by.

If you’re bringing an infant or toddler on board, a) you must be on my flight, and b) bring hard candy for them to suck on during take-offs and landings. It relieves the pressure in their ears when the cabin pressure changes.

Bring your own headphones.

There is more room in exit rows. When they ask if you’ll assist in case of emergency say sure. What the hell?

For the smoothest ride, pick a seat over the wing.

Drink a lot of water during a flight. Stay hydrated.

Airlines routinely add a half hour or more to the flying time so it will appear they are more on-time.

Instead of jotting your parking location on a scrap of paper that you’ll surely lose, take a picture of with you camera phone. Same with your luggage so when it arrives destroyed you’ll have some record.

Have you ever been in a taxi that didn’t have at least one warning light on the dashboard?

Have you ever been in a taxi that had more than one gallon of gasoline in it? Not that the driver will ever stop for gas.

How much do you tip cab drivers? I never know.

It will be a larger distance between the terminal and the rental car lot than the rental car lot and your destination – even if you’re driving from Los Angeles to Las Vegas.

Book the smallest car you need and hope for a free upgrade.

Never buy gas from a station close to an airport. They jack up prices knowing people with rental cars need to get them refueled.

Not all rental car companies start you off with a full tank of gas anymore. Check before you leave.

When a shuttle says it will be by every ten minutes and you believe it you’re dumber than the guy who didn’t know he has to take off his shoes.

Become a major league ballplayer or the President of the United States so you won't have to deal with any of this crap.

Bag the trip entirely and just go to your nearby Indian casino.

Have a great summer, everybody!