Wednesday, August 26, 2009

You can't say that on the radio!

I read in Wednesday’s edition of L.A. Radio People.com a glowing story about former talk show host Joe Ortiz. I worked with Joe once and my encounter was, uh… devoid of glow.

1972. I’m a relief engineer at KABC and their sister station KLOS-FM. That meant I played the records on KLOS and played the commercials on KABC. My shift on Sunday nights was to play the public service shows. As preposterous as it sounds now, radio and television stations once were expected to actually serve the community. A certain amount of their programming had to be devoted to public affairs. So of course stations would bury these shows in the middle of the night or early and late Sundays when no one was listening.

One Sunday night I see we have a new program scheduled. IMPACTO. It’s a talk show geared to the Hispanic community. I’m thrilled. It was live. Normally I played half hour tapes on how to fill out Social Security forms.

The host is Joe Ortiz. He’s relatively new to radio; primarily a community advocate. I ask, “What’s the game plan?” He says he’ll take calls and if there’s a lull I’m to just play a record. What kind of record? He says it makes no difference, just grab something KLOS normally plays. Sounds easy enough to me.

So he starts taking calls. And every other one starts off like this: “Hey man, I’m tired of this fucking shit…” Whoa! Every two seconds I’m diving for the kill button (we were on an eight second delay). I tell Joe on a break to remind his callers they’re not allowed to swear on the radio. He gets pissed at me. That’s censorship. No it’s not, I tell him. It’s the FCC. We could lose our license. He ignores me.

So for weeks I’m hitting the kill button so often you’d think I was tapping out Morse Code. Needless to say, our relationship was frosty.

From time to time there are lulls and he calls for a record. He says, “We’ll be back right after a little music” and I play Crosby, Stills, & Nash or whomever. KLOS was your classic rock station even before we knew the stuff was classic.

So one night the swearers aren’t calling. He signals for a record. I grab one from the rack and cue it up. He announces on the air, “We’re going to take a break but here is a record that expresses the perception of the Hispanic community.” I let the record fly. It’s “Dead Skunk In the Middle of the Road”.

Joe goes nuts. I show great restraint by not falling to the floor in laughter. I say, “It’s on the playlist. Who the hell told you to introduce it like that?”

So Joe files an official union grievance on me. I have to go before a board of the Chief Engineer and union representatives. I’m charged with being a racist. Once they hear my side of the story they fall on the floor laughing. The grievance is dropped and I’m completely pardoned. Better yet I’m taken off that shift.

For years I had no idea whatever happened to Joe Ortiz. He hasn’t befriended me on Facebook. And then in the article I learn he’s primarily no longer in broadcasting. But ironically, his last on-air gig was hosting a talk show on a Christian station. I wonder how “Hey man, I’m tired of this fucking shit…” would go over there.

P.S.
On a totally unrelated subject, I know a lot of my readers also follow Earl Pomerantz's blog (if you don't you should). Anyway, he had a little health scare that proved to be not nearly as serious as he had first thought. So he wants me to remind you that he's continuing to blog. Check him out while he's still alive. Thanks.

All you need to know about the new Yankee Stadium

From Elayne Boosler...

Yankee Stadium had to combine the two offices when people heard the seat prices.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Fall Movie Preview: Part Three

Hello from Denver. Here's the wrap-up of this season's film fare:

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS – Easily the best title of the season. George Clooney tracks down psychics in the army. What’s going on with the military? Gays AND psychics???

UP IN THE AIR – George Clooney’s ninth movie this fall season. A habitual airline traveler, he falls for another habitual airline traveler. “We’ll always have Tucson to Detroit with a stop in Dallas”.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL – How many times are they going to remake this goddamn story? We get it!! Bob Zemeckis performance-capture version starring Jim Carrey playing multiple characters. It would take the “Ghost of Christmas Threatening To Take My Life” to get me to see this movie.

PRECIOUS – Oscar buzz for this Sundance darling. And that’s WITH Mariah Carey in the cast. So it must be the best picture ever.

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKQUEL – Another chipmunk movie? How can you possibly improve on perfection?

A PROPHET – Life in an Arab prison. Good luck to the marketing department.

2012 – Disaster movie. Not sure what year it takes place in. John Cusack and Amanda Peet yelling “Look out!” a lot.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG – Disney’s first traditional animated movie in five years. The studio is making a big deal that its star (Anika Noni Rose) is the first African-American heroine in a Disney animated feature. Yeah, but she plays a frog!

OLD DOGS – John Travolta and Robin Williams. Robin learns he’s the father of an ex-girlfriend’s twins. TWO MEN AND TWO BABIES.

PIRATE RADIO – The movie about pirate radio in England in the 60s starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman. They keep pushing it back from season to season. This can’t be a good sign. Will I be the only one in the theater?

IT’S COMPLICATED – Danger! Danger! Nancy Meyers romcom. Expect by-the-numbers formula studio storytelling.

SHERLOCK HOLMES – Robert Downey Jr. as the super sleuth. This time Holmes is also proficient in martial-arts. Think Popeye with cocaine instead of spinach.

INVICTUS – Morgan Freeman takes a break from sleeping with his grand-daughter and his longtime mistress to portray Nelson Mandela in a film directed by Clint Eastwood.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS? Hey, Hugh Grant is still around! Who knew? He stars with Sarah Jessica Parker as a married couple working things out in the Witness Protection program. They’re sent to Wyoming. Yeah, that’s where you’d send a British guy and Jewish girl to just blend in with the community.

and finally...

AVATAR – James Cameron’s long awaited $200,000,000 sci-fi epic that will either revolutionize cinema or be HEAVEN’S GATE in space.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Fall Movie Preview: Part Two

Here's more of what'll be playing and you might be seeing...

CIRQUE DU FREAK: THE VAMPIRE’S ASSISTANT – The only vampire movie being released that week. Stars John C. Reilly and features Salma Jayek as a bearded lady. When she’s not looking, he replaces her vibrator with a Lady Norelco.

AMELIA – the Amelia Earhart story starring Hilary Swank. Famous woman aviator who disappeared over the Pacific in 1937. We see her negotiate polar bears, smoke monsters, and being captured by “the Others”. Based on the true story.

LOVE HAPPENS – Aaron Eckhart is a widower who falls in love with Jennifer Aniston. In case that doesn’t remind you enough of SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE, it’s even set in Seattle.

THE BOYS ARE BACK – Clive Owens becomes a single parent who must raise two boys. Wow, widowers are this year’s vampires!

NEW YORK, I LOVE YOU – The NY version of PARIS, JE T’AIME, an anthology of short stories by different writers and directors all woven together. Shot in only a few days. Cast features every New York actor who didn’t have a gig on LAW & ORDER that week.

WHIP IT – Drew Barrymore’s directorial debut. She calls it a “love story between a mother and daughter which, emotionally, tears your heart apart”. How could it not? It’s set in the world of roller derby.

THIS IS IT – Michael Jackson posthumous concert film. Let him be remembered for slammed together rehearsal footage that was never meant to be shown. R.I.P. – Rest in Profit.

ZOMBIELAND – Amusement park for Sean Hannity followers.

SAW VI – Jigsaw takes a job at Home Depot.

THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL – Dick Cheney invites you all in for a visit.

NINE – movie based on the musical based on a movie. Directed by Rob Marshall who made magic with CHICAGO. Stars Penelope Cruz who is a nine (plus two). Also stars Nicole Kidman whose boxoffice losing streak is fast approaching ’88 Baltimore Orioles territory.

BROKEN EMBRACES – Another Penelope Cruz movie, this one for Pedro Almodovar. Young hot actress obsessed with a film director. Coincidentally written by the director.

FANTASTIC MR. FOX – Stop-motion animated version of Roald Dahl’s children book given the Wes Anderson treatment. So adults should find it fascinating while kids will be completely baffled. Meryl Streep does a voice so the Motion Picture Academy will add a new category of Best Voice-Over Work By An Actress so she can win that Oscar too.

PLANET 51 – Animated movie about an earthling who lands on another planet and see, HE’S the alien. To further complicate matters, Dwayne Johnson (the Rock), a real alien does the voice of the human.

THE BOX – Cameron Diaz needs money. She’s offered a million dollars to just push a button on a wooden box. The catch: if she does a stranger will die. Uh, didn’t they do this exact bit in one of the Batman movies? And wasn’t that lifted from one of the SAW movies?

The final part tomorrow.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Fall Movie Preview: Part One

Off to Denver with the Dodgers for a week long road trip that will also include Cincinnati. I hope it doesn't snow. In the meantime, here's my annual Fall Movie Preview, so you'll know what to rush out and see when it's finally available at Redbox.

JENNIFER’S BODY – Diablo Cody’s cannibal movie. A high school she-demon eats people. Edible Oedipal.

FAME – must be fleeting since they have to remake it every few years. Now the star wannabes pursue careers in rap and filmmaking. But I’m sure all the kids are still misunderstood, unsure of their sexuality, and deathly afraid of gym class.

TYLER PERRY’S I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF – It should be about the unconscionable way he treats writers.

EXTRACT – Written by Mike Judge so it’ll either be a hit or pulled after one showing. Jason Bateman as a frustrated boss in a company that makes something unimportant. Probably will never be adapted for television. What network would buy such a premise?

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY -- Michael Moore’s latest documentary. This time examining capitalism. How he does this without embarrassing Charlton Heston is anybody's guess.

MORE THAN A GAME – Documentary about LeBron James’ senior year of high school. Since it’s not done by Michael Moore the film is about basketball, not corruption in the educational system, corruption in organized sports, or corruption in the royalties owed Charlton Heston.

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS – Animated version of the children’s book. Written and directed by Phil Lord & Chris Miller who did CLONE HIGH so I might see it despite the title.

SURROGATES – A sci-fi world set in the near future where humans mingle with robots. So far I’ve described every sci-fi movie of the last ten years. The twist here is that there is a terrorist. And Bruce Willis. "Yippe-ki-yay, cyborgfucker!”

ALL ABOUT STEVE – Sandy Bullock’s latest Romcom, which she also produced. She stalks Bradley Cooper. Sounds like the title should be ALL ABOUT SANDY.

THE INFORMANT! – Matt Damon helps the FBI expose a price-fixing scheme. Directed by Steven Soderbergh. Hollywood will let him make a movie about accounting inconsistencies in agriculture but not one about baseball.

THE OTHER MAN – Laura Linney nude scenes, guys!

THE INVENTION OF LYING – Ricky Gervais as the only person on the planet who is capable of lying. All politicians, studio execs, and Roger Clemens must be dead then. Smart money says this is a smart comedy.

BRIGHT STAR – the story of 19th-century British poet, John Keats. Date movie for anyone over two hundred.

SHUTTER ISLAND – Martin Scorsese’s psychological thriller starring Leo DiCaprio (natch!) set in a high-security facility for the criminally insane. But with a title like SHUTTER ISLAND you know Fox is going to turn it into a reality show.

COUPLES RETREAT – Vince Vaughn/Jon Favreau comedy about couples trapped in a high-security facility for the criminally insane. Oh, wait. I always get this confused with SHUTTER ISLAND. This is four couples on a romantic tropical island. Another possible Fox reality show. Hey, it’s directed by Peter Billingsley – Ralphie from CHRISTMAS STORY! Be careful looking into that view finder -- you could poke an eye out.

Part Two tomorrow.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Because I love L.A. absurdity...

What better place to grow up with an appreciation for the absurd than Los Angeles? There is goofiness everywhere. For example:

An actual home in Beverly Hills:
And this is a Japanese restaurant.
No wonder comedy writers gravitate here. It's one sprawling funhouse.

What caught my eye recently were some VERBATIM headlines I read in HuffingtonPost.com and People.com. Clearly, they were meant for the 310 area code crowd. They're supposed to be taken seriously. And I'm sure for anyone who has had too much Botox they were. But for you and me, you can't make up these punchlines.

Jaime Pressly: I Didn't Pee In Public

Why Actress Ellen Burstyn Slept On The Street: Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Chinese Bride Wears 7,083-Foot Dress

Burger King Asks Barefoot Baby To Leave

Lady Gaga Is Nude, Wants To Turn The World Gay

Is Religion Ruining Our Health?

'Hung' Star Thomas Jane Talks About His Penis

Slain Model Was Identified By Her Breast Implants

Brad And Angelina Go Shopping For Gerbils

Sting's Daughter: My Dad Knows Nothing About Tantric Sex

Jeremy Piven: I Haven't Had Fish In 11 Months, I Feel Like A Different Person

Octomom's 2-Year-Old Calls Her 'Bitch'

NBA Star's Jilted Fiance Talks Reality Show, Wedding Dress Giveaway

Jill Sobule: I Called Katy Perry A Slut Ironically

Celine Dion Pregnant With Embryo Frozen For Eight Years

Study: Over 50 Percent Of Women Hate Their Feet

PHOTOS: Presidents And First Ladies In Swimsuits

Obese Texas Inmate Hides Gun In His Flabs Of Fat

Paula Abdul's First Day NOT At Work:

Running Enthusiasts Flock To Weird-Looking 'Barefoot Shoes'

Australia's Newest Political Party: The Sex Party

PHOTOS: Jeremy Piven's Many Hairlines

Michael Jackson's Body Held In Deep Freeze

Victoria Beckham: Joy At Being An 'Idol' Judge Is Ruining My Moody Pout

Heidi Montag: I Want More Plastic Surgery

Jon Hamm's Grandmother Doesn't Like 'Mad Men'

David Byrne Makes London Building Into Musical Instrument

It's World Breastfeeding Awareness Week

Luxury Resort Offers $19 Room, Minus The Bed And Toilet Paper

Man Offers 40 Goats, 20 Cows To Marry Chelsea Clinton; Hillary Calls It "Very Kind"

'Survivor' Richard Hatch: I Was Imprisoned Because I'm Gay

'So You Think You Can Dance' Star Charged With Multiple Rapes

Tyra Banks To Reveal Her 'REAL Hair'

PHOTOS: Madonna, Jesus & Kids In A Boat

Karolina Kurkova: Pregnancy Is The New 'It' Bag

Jeremy Piven And Chris Kattan In Sushi Screaming Match

WATCH: Kate Gosselin Cries

WATCH: Octomom: 'I Screwed Myself'

Rapper C-Murder Convicted Of Murder

Why You Must Vacation When Your Wallet Is Empty

Jon Gosselin Claims Kate 'Tried to Cry It Up for the Cops'

Seth MacFarlane: Baby Stewie From 'Family Guy' Is Gay

Pop Quiz: Could You Be in Madonna's Entourage?

10 Ways To Sleep Like a French Woman

Who Dissed Gwyn's Cooking?

Friday, August 21, 2009

The funniest LITERAL music video

A couple of weeks ago I shared my favorite music video. Several commenters mentioned "literal" versions. I've checked out a few and for my money this is hands down the funniest. TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART. Thanks to Dusto Films for this hilarious parody.