Cable companies are mad at HULU.com. It's complicated but I think Mr. Burns does a good job of explaining the facts. INT. MONTGOMERY BURNS OFFICE – DAY
Smithers enters.
SMITHERS: You wanted to see me, Mr. Burns?
BURNS: My great-great-great grandson tells me that something called YouTube is a big hit on that world web netosphere thingamajiggy.
SMITHERS: Yes, it is. It gets millions of viewers a day.
BURNS: I want in on that action! How can we steal it and say we came up with it first? Like I did once with radio.
SMITHERS: Well, I think YouTube already too established to steal. But we can improve on it.
BURNS: I’m listening. At least in this ear.
SMITHERS: YouTube just shows clips. What if we formed a competing site that shows entire episodes of current popular shows?
BURNS: You mean like “Mr. Peepers” and the “Colgate Comedy Hour”? Oooh, how the kids love that one!
SMITHERS: I’ve taken the liberty of asking one of our lowly employees to watch television for 260 straight hours so we can determine which shows the average simpleton will want to watch. (checking clipboard) His name is Homer Simpson.
BURNS: Homer, you say? That’s it! I’ve just thought of the name for this new site. HOMO.
SMITHERS: Brilliant as always, sir. HOMO.com.
BURNS: Let’s launch it right away. I’m liable to forget in an hour so time is of the essence.
SMITHERS: Well, there are some issues to be worked out first.
BURNS: Issues? What issues?
SMITHERS: The cable company pays cable networks for the use of their product. It’s not going to want to pay if the public can see the shows elsewhere.
BURNS: Who owns the cable company?
SMITHER: Well, we do.
BURNS: And who really pays the cable networks?
SMITHERS: That would be the subscribers.
BURNS: That Homer fellow then. And who owns hundreds of cable networks that make up the current landscape?
SMITHERS: Us and maybe two others.
BURNS: We own the shows as well, do we not?
SMITHERS: All except “Mr. Peepers” and perhaps “Family Guy”.
BURNS: And if we put commercials in the shows we show on the interspace we get all of that ad revenue too, correct?
SMITHERS: Not to mention, the cable company – that we own – provides the access to the internet in the first place.
BURNS: So we charge the great unwashed for that. What are the issues? Is there a ninth or tenth way to screw Mr. John Q. Public that we’re not thinking of? I’m all ear.
SMITHERS: You’re forgetting about the writers, directors, and actors.
BURNS: Damn it, Smithers, we’re talking about providing entertainment to the masses! How do writers, directors, and actors figure into any of that?
SMITHERS: They have this misguided notion that just because they actually created and made these shows that they have some proprietary right to them.
BURNS: What?! Why that’s INSANE! That’s like saying when I have a bowel movement that I own it.
SMITHERS: You don’t?
BURNS: Certainly not. Nature does. It becomes part of the grand scheme of this planet I so informally call earth. This is a moot point anyway. I haven’t taken a bowel movement since the Berlin wall went up.
SMITHERS: Well, these so-called “artistes” believe they should receive two or three cents royalties for using their material.
BURNS: Which is it?
SMITHERS: Sir?
BURNS: Two or three cents?
SMITHERS: We used to pay them $9,000 or so for every network rerun so we’re still getting off much cheaper.
BURNS: You didn’t answer my question. Two or three cents?
SMITHERS: I’m afraid they’re going to want more. They know that we stand to make billions.
BURNS: Two or three? It’s a simple question!
SMITHERS: It’s more like a dollar even!
BURNS: No! Never! The only reason I'm not pounding on the desk is that I can no longer make a fist.
SMITHERS: Sir, you could always promise the dollar to them and then never deliver. Just like we do with their pension and health benefits.
BURNS: Still. It’s the principle!
SMITHERS: Well, Mr. Burns, I think you’ve found your tenth way to screw Mr. John Q. Increase fees and let him pay for the royalties.
BURNS: Royalties that we have no intention of paying. Yes. That I can live with. When can we be up and running?
SMITHERS: Just as soon as we finish uploading WKRP and “Cops” we’re ready to go.
BURNS: Smithers, this will be a huge success!
SMITHERS: Absolutely. Years from now when people say the word HOMO they will think only of you!
BURNS: Finally! A legacy!
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